no title

by picasso

Posted to Action Poetry on 2002-03-28 10:53:00

I want God to know that I love him.

I want him to cherish the warmth
of my prayers and hear me
as I sing to him the song of love from my soul.

my barefoot innocence was lost long ago when the neighbor kid put his hands inside my bathing suit one summer day in the garage I was so afraid my dad would come in and though I always tried to stop him he knew I liked it and always took it just a little further each time. yes there was more than just one time. in that garage that smelled like sun on dust. he took it further each time he used to get me so wet – before I even knew what “wet” was.

I want God to know I will raise my children
to know him and respect his name and creation
I want him to speak the truth through the mouths
Of my babes ad show me how to be humble
I want to learn what there is to know about
him and his attributes
I want to lift up his name and his creation and respect them both

at 16 I lost my virginity in the back of a Mercedes Benz with gray leather interior and dark gray carpet. it smelled like cologne and turtle wax. he laid me down in the back seat. he told me we could “go out” and that he would be my boyfriend. he had stone washed black denim jeans on and they grew tighter by the minute.

I want God to know that even though I’m confused
by the many philosophies out there
I love that there are differences all over the world
in different religions
yet they all preach the same thing
I don’t want to choose a particular religion
I choose to embrace them all
love and kindness

I want him to know that I try my hardest
not to curse out the person that just cut me off in traffic.

by the time the windows were fogged up, I was naked and he still had on all his clothes. finally his pants were off and I saw for the first time the cheesy gold necklace he wore. I was laying down in the backseat and had sat up when he asked me if I wanted to put the condom on.

God –do you hear me when I pray to you?
I want you to know that I love you
I want you to know that when I see a pregnant woman
I know that you brought forth the miracle of life
not some mid space collision that made a loud noise.

he had been inside of me possibly 30-45 seconds. I told him to get out. I told him it hurt. truth is I felt nothing no pain no joy no sorrow. I wanted to go home and I wanted to shower. I wanted out of that fucking car.

forgive me for my petty jealousy
God for the stupid arguments
I’ve had and the hurt
I’ve caused other people
please love me as I love you
please see me as clean and know that my love
for you runs deeper than my pain.

he didn’t speak to me the next day at school. in fact he wouldn’t even look at me.

6 years later at a friend’s funeral he came up and said hello. many people turned their backs. including me. I guess I’m not the only one he screwed.