Confession #1 {I’d really appreciate as much critique as possible on this one}

by Severein

Posted to Action Poetry on 2001-03-12 11:58:00

Uncharted waters dug below
a trench to put my foot in
this constant sieve
and tear-stained melodrama
leaves me thin and hopeless
like an aneorexic model.

So pretty on the outside
oh, how dead I wish I could
become
like you, so angry
I just wish I had reasons
why
anymore

Maybe I just hate myself and
I am angry at all my bullshit stories
my make-believe elegies
my life is a fairy-tale with no self-interest
or conceit just a plea
for someone’s empathy.

Don’t pity me like the homeless masses
Don’t rally around my wounded flag
like the proletariat America
take your revolution to the streets
but keep it out of my hands
and far from my spirit
I’m too selfish to carry your burdens now…
oh, but I do care…I do cry for you reverred and hollowed scum of the underbelly of night
I see you, though the politicains do not
and there are days
when I wish I were among you
fucked in the ass like boys in confessionals
choking on a verse from holy Bible’s harlequin
savior, I was born to suck Jesus’cock…

I am the martyr
I wish I had to cling to.
I just want the father I never knew…not this man of idle threats
and mis-directed anger…
My childhood misery was born
between my mother’s thighs
and father’s failure
and thrown in my face down a line of coccaine
and brother John’s nightmare, jonesing and crying
and shotgun to the chest, he wept for his
friend and blessed sacrifice
shot dead, and he watched and only
stared.

And Freud would say
my neurosis stemmed
from paradox intimacy, callous
regimentation, discipline and punish
normalize, Catholicize and fail, so set me
free, and spit at me, and wonder where you went
wrong…there’s nothing more dangerous
than a good person, with misplaced intentions.

But I blame myself
I’m guilty, more guilty
than god.
And I can’t help but hate myself
a little more than you.


I can’t help but smile
when I push someone away
I love it when I face myself
and have an excuse to spit in my own eye.
I thrive on the pain
and misery
and I wish it could hurt
when i fuck and when
I love
and hurt when I open my eyes.

I never knew a family
just images and shadows
I grew to hate my heritage
loathe my lineage
and my perverse fascination
with my own inadequacy
attenuates everyday.

Each time I realize, a little at a time,
What a fool, an asshole, a cunt
I really am
it’s like masturbation.

It’s the sweetest feeling I know
to rub myself raw
over you…

I want to come on the faces
of all the well-wishers
I want to come on the faces
of the people who care
I want to come on the faces
of all the people in my dreams
I know no one can make me
feel the way they do.

I want to alienate myself
from everything
and inflict this
self-imposed tragedy
on myself and chew on the
fingers of all the people who pet me
domesticate me
and teach me to love.

The world is numbness,
All emotion
is a vacuum
and you’ve bought into the lie
the bullshit
and we ALL need it
and exploit it
Ah, how I wish the sun
would grow to
swallow us all
how I wish we
truly could unchain the earth from the sun, from the universe and drift away…
I need this space between everything
this void…
my happy mortification
my joyous, sublime
self-flagellation
I need the kiss
the caress…
of yr nails, yr whip, yr mouth
yr sex…
I crave the defiled Virgin’s blessing, so that
i can rape her…I need some
holiness Mother Mary, so baptize me
in the nectar of yr cunt,
as I go down between yr holy thighs
before I send myself to hell.