would be a much stronger piece

by doreen peri

Posted to Action Poetry on 2004-02-26 19:43:00

Parent message is 609542
if you lost all of the “ing’s”

instead of

“Elbows on formica, leaning to
taps lined like bullseye Brits”

try

“Elbows on formica, I lean to
taps lined like bullsey Brits”

try

“I smoke,
wriggle through water” (lose the “the”)

instead of

“reaching for
the bronze tab holding me together
at the center”

try

“i reach for
bronze tabs which hold me centered.”

instead of

” I know letting her do
what she wants won’t let you go.”

try

“If I let her do
what she wants, you still
won’t let go”

instead of

“Tapping my shoes against filthwood,
I await a refill, ice cubes rattling
enamel”

try

“I tap my shoes against filthwood.
I await a refill.
ice cubes rattle enamel”


just some ideas.

i’m no critic but i know the “ing” words are weaker than not using them at all.

great images here.

nice job.




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