by pottygok

Posted to Haiku Board on 2004-02-26 07:14:00

Parent message is 587903
sitting in coach B- coach b of a train

Then why not say “trainride” or something to that effect?

>kaleidoscope towns- it was late at night, the train was >moving fast so the lights of the towns was constantly >changing, like a kaleidoscope

Right. Got that now (need to tell us you’re on a train). My only critique for this line is the adj. kaleidoscope might take the reader too much out of the moment, but maybe not. That’s a toss up.

>things click into place- it made me realise something that >i’d never thought of before. what that is doesnt matter,

Oh, absolutely it does. Without that illumination, all you’ve done is shown us the moment. As a poet, it is your job to get the reader as close to the moment as possible, so much so that they participate in that moment, and receive illumination for themselves. As you have it, this ‘ku simply keeps us too distanced from the experience to receive anything.

>its the point that the train ride made me think.


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