the storm

by Beth Vieira

Posted to Haiku Board on 2004-07-06 21:30:00

Parent message is 674291
I sorta agree with pottygok, I guess, but not entirely. How about replacing “thing” with “weak” so you have the image, but it means that “stands” would make the line a little bit too long so I dunno. And you’d have to replace “weak” with some other word that has the same basic meaning and has some force to it. I’d say “fragile” but it makes the line kinda long. Maybe “frail” or “faint”? or even switch them since they are close in meaning. Like this:

A small frail thing
within a storm
uncontrollaby weak

Only a suggestion.