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by pottygok

Posted to Haiku Board on 2004-07-13 12:51:00

Parent message is 679106
>in the quiet of dusk

dusk is quiet?

That being said, the gerundal phrases are a bit much in this poem. How ’bout “quiet dusk” for L1.

>low laughter of friends

I get the verb “lit” in here, i.e. “lit with the laughter of friends”, but that could be me.

>firefly’s glow

You don’t need “glow”. It’s implied.

Thus:

quiet dusk
lit with the laughter of friends
fireflies

That’s my version…it’s yours if you want it.