Good start…
by pottygok
Posted to Poetry on 2003-01-23 09:41:00
Parent message is 365469
The metaphor/simile is a solid one, but the phrasing is a bit clunky. You tend to state something, and then say it two or three times. Example, Ls 3-5 you’re basically describing the same things. The best advice would be pick the one, BEST, word–one that encorporates ALL these things–and stick with that. Streamline this poem a bit, and you’ll be set.