Re: Black Bras In Church

by pottygok

Posted to Poetry on 2003-01-23 11:28:00

Parent message is 365819
>Pews
>Back stiffed pressed against oak
>The dead eyes of the bored longing for 11:30
>Brunch meeting backyard chicken dinners
>The reverent bound by devotion of old and fear of being >Gods disposable playthings
>Broken marionettes set in twisted steel with broken limbs
>And necks gone off center car wrecks

A lot of these lines are unnecessary. You cover them all later in the poem with better effect.

>I had stared down her blouse for 45 minutes

This is a great starting point, as it launches us right into the action/narrative of the poem.

>And seen the serenity of pubescent sexual scheming
>In the curves of her black bra covering breast
>While the words of spiritual taskmasters beat the brains >of the geriatric, set in their ways
>The aging, praying parents, hoping their daughters were >not harlots
>And asking that their sons be the men of knee bent hands >clasped prayer
>And the children, being fed belief systems like pureed >yams
>Numbing the experimentation associated with youth and >ignorance
>Her eyes were fixed on heaven
>And so were mine
>Her cherubs, clothed in ankle length dresses and shirt >and tie appropriateness
>Mine the swirling centers of her nipples

I think these four lines could easily become two, with much stronger effect.

>And an imagination that placed us naked and groaning in >the pulpit
>Stand and sit upon command
>Chanting mantra’s of the moral sort
>And hailing the dictator that had gathered them all
>The unity that existed upon those unwilling to think >beyond their comfort
>Frightened infants afraid of dark nights and >thunderstorms on windowpanes
>And through it all I never looked away
>Time served early paroled, sheep to the feeding pen we >walked through doors as high as the kneecaps of God

I would end the poem here. The last two lines don’t really add anything to the poem, but instead make the ending a sort of fade out, when sudden, solid stops usually work better.

The only other suggestions I can make is to avoid gerunds, and to slice your lines. Short lines=more tension. There’s a lot of tension in the theme/narrative of this poem, have the form match that.

>Moving slowly she spoke “you seemed distracted”
>“Oh yeah well…sermon was good. Want to get something to >eat together?”