comments.

by Sharik

Posted to Stories on 2001-07-27 16:59:00

Parent message is 29123
Is wonderfully dramatic. Shades of Anna Karenina!

My problem — and msybe it is just my idiocyncracy — is that I was thinking that you were a train engineer, driving you train headlong with another train on the same track coming from the other direction.

I suppose I get that idea from how I think chicken usually works and my idea of it from Rebel Without a Cause. And since you mentioned bicycles, I had in mind two bicycles coming at each other at high speed until somebody flinches and swerves out of the way.

So possibly you may need to take into account ignorant/disorented readers like me and clarify how ‘train chicken’ works earier on (in some kind of quick efficient manner such that it doesn’t bog down your story).

Also… I’m not sure how you are risking the lives of the people on the train. I am thinking that maybe you should disregard these people (and their screaming) since I think their lives are aren’t at much risk (I don’t think a human body would derail a train), and their screaming is likely only to be because they are jarred by the quick braking; they aren’t going to know anything about you, standing on the tracks .. until later.

Anyway, those are my concerns. Otherwise, the piece is highly dramatic. You’ve done things (like repeating ‘tonight’) to heighten the anxiety and I think ending the piece mid-sentence is brilliant.

— sharik