in the unearthing of certain liars

by ellipsis

Posted to Stories on 2003-04-17 17:02:00

do you like cheez-its?
i hate em.
fake crunchy cheese.
uck.

what’s worse is the triumvirate of lies on the side of the box. i’ll demonstrate right here, just in case you haven’t seen these yet:

#1) no-slip grip
#2) aerodynamic hole through the center
#3) surface dynamics

according to lie #1, the ridged couple of edges opposite each other on each cracker are supposed to prevent me from accidentally throwing my cracker across the room, which would be devastating. nobody is ready for the day that crackers fly. they’re still readying for the pigs.

so i’m thinking that the no-slip grip is a great idea. and i decide to test it out.
*fling*
cracker shoots across the room and shatters into about seven shards.
cracker is now 1/3 on its way to loser status.

not one to give up, i urge #2 to prove true. after hoping to god that it doesn’t slip through my fingers, i swing it through the air a couple of times. moves just fine.

beautiful.

but i want to be thankful goddammit. i have to take into consideration that the cracker would not shine in all its non-nonslipgrip glory if not for the hole. so, to discover what i’m missing, i plug the hole with my middle finger and move it through the air.

same damned cracker. same damned movement.

fucker.

feeling cheated and lied to twice, i move on to test #3. mmm.. surface dynamics implied by a bumpy, salt-covered broad side of a cracker. i set the cracker down on the counter and wait.

…

i wait some more.

…

nothing.

i don’t get mad though. i wave it through the air, i touch it, i stare at it, i drop it about two inches. it does nothing.

i am now thoroughly disappointed.

so now i have proven that the makers of cheez-it crackers are liars.
what’s more, the crackers taste like moldy socks on a hot july day.
fuck this.
i’m going to bed.