Hit and Run

by Rosie

Posted to Stories on 2003-06-28 01:48:00

Yesterday, as a friend drove us to work, i happend to turn my head at the exact moment my “ex”…whatever he was, happend to make a turn in the opposite direction of us. My whole morning was spoiled. Hard as I tried to think of something else, the nausea wouldn’t leave me. As soon as i got to work, i ran into the bathroom. Cried. Blind hatred having risen in me. The love i once felt for this person was now fully converted, as muscle turns to fat in time, with idleness. I felt so ugly inside, the tears welled hot in my eyes for a long while. There was no shaking the feeling.

They say when you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. i must have come damn close then because i saw it all. the whole story developed before me as i stood there, immobile, in the middle of the bathroom. impotent to stop the reel of flashbacks replaying themselves in my mind; to stop myself from committing so many now apparent stupidities. I must’ve died inside. sometime during the process. because i no longer feel i am the same person.

i hate.

My roomate and confidant; more aware of the situation than even myself…figured things out long before i ever did…tried to comfort me telling me all women play the part. And for me not to let anyone tell me differently. She said, it would probably take me a couple days to feel better. She understood: the blow.
—


He was not attractive to me. At all. from the moment i met him, i felt a blunt dislike for him. Not that he was ugly. All the contrary. He looked like an Adonis. Someone from back in Greek times. Easily passing for an Apollo type or even Davinci’s Michael Angelo. He had that kind frame; soft, almost delicate features. He looked like a big kid. Who was all too aware of his good looks. cocky. Very arrogant in speech. i figured him a Dorian Gray. not anyone i would ever have thought about in that way. not even jokingly. it’s down to earth people for me.

i was deadly jealous of him. At the time, my best friend had taken a liking to him. More than a liking. I knew him, and i knew this boy held his fancy. We had been friends for so long, I knew. He had just gotten out of a relationship with another co-worker. swore he wasn’t going to get himself involved during the 6 month trip we were on. we worked together on a military ship. fot the United States Navy. and He and i had made elavorate plans to get an apartment, do all sorts of things to better each other. I believed him; in him. my friend. He represented all i wasn’t. my yang. I loved him.

We were all stationed on the same Navy ship. I met my best friend right from the gecko when i arrived to this station. He and my now roommate were close friends. had in fact been best friends for about a year before i had transferred. He and i hit if off almost immediately because i could sense he might be gay; confirmed it. i confessed to being a lesbian. we understood each other. in him i saw the door to the gay world i had long longed to explore; even join.

He explained he wasn’t gay. Assured me over and over his intentions were to ultimately get married with a woman and have kids. i didn’t believe him. Even in military uniform, he couldn’t camaflouge the fact. he was flamboyantly gay. Androgenous. something that made our relationship quite smooth since it allowed me to relate to him as i would to another female. He was my first male friend.

Perhaps it was his androgeny that appealed to my lesbianism. or time. or the manner in which we seemed to balance each other. we held a natural bond between us that was amazingly easi-going. and I fell in love with him in a manner of months. the more i fought it… I knew better. but here i was having a change of heart myself so who was i to judge. i was petrified. being catholic, raised traditionally mexican…it was excrutiating for me to accept my lesbianism. Falling in love with a man should’ve been a blessing. But not him. NOT him. i knew that was a dead end i was headed for. it sure as hell was NOT gonna be pretty.

I tried to detour. Cling to my lesbianism. i tried to hold on teeth and nails, sorrounded myself with all kinds gay paraphernalia to remind me who i was. stickers, rainbows, lavander clothes…you name it.

One day, while deployed to hawaii, i opted to buy souvernirs at a military store there. at the shop, my best friend and my now roommate came up to me and showed me these cup holders. my best friend picked one out with a rainbow. my roomate had one with dolfins. they told me to buy one. weren’t they pretty? i didn’t think anything of em. what did i want with a cup holder? but i browsed through them and chosed the one my best friend was holding. he claimed to like that one. i only picked it because he chosed it. it was the best one too, with the liveliest colors. the rest looked old and faded. and i figured to put it in my room on my desk with little small flowers. it would be a rememberance to me of him too. i was already planning for a time when we no longer were in each other’s lives. expected it.

These two made a bet. my best friend said i would pick the rainbow cup holder no matter what. i was that gung ho. my now roommate told him she could get me to buy something else. they bet each other 5 bucks to see who knew me better. it all turned into a big argument where she (my roommate) gave me a sermon about gay life not being for me. because of the type person i am. and my best friend joined in trying to dissuade me from further exploring my lesbianism. both had been part of that life. had held relationships. said i didn’t know what i was thinking because i hadn’t even been with a woman yet. women/lesbians could be just as cruel as men. my friend tried to tell me he was only having fun with men for the time being, while he was young and unattached. gay life didn’t come blemish free. i became enfuriated. How to explain to them? the reason i was being so staunch with my sexuality was because i didn’t want to fall in love with this boy (my best friend). between a rock and a hard place. I was scared to death.

My best friend negated being gay up until this new Adonis boy came to work with us on the ship. immediately, he grasped on to him and made it understood he was to be a part of all our activities. my roommate got married; pregnant and left the ship. So my best friend and i were left to go out alone. This new boy would be our 3rd now. My friend and him became inseparable. The boy very obviously responded to his attentions. Being new to a military ship is quite an experience by itself, but worse if you arrive during a period of time when the ship is underway. this boy was lonely. i tried to understand that. his need for companionship. They were having sex. They formed an actual relationship. don’t ask, don’t tell. but everyone knew about it almost immediately. they really didn’t think twice about displaying their affections for each other, even on the ship. they weren’t cautious at all. people didn’t care. this happends.

Things became horribly tempestuous between my best friend and myself. more so when he expressed his desire for this new boy to come live with us once our ship returned back to the United States (remember? from its 6 month deployment). All our future plans were to include this boy now. it wasn’t a question. they would include him. He had promised me, swore, things were going to remain between the two of us. We had already gone through this, were a lover of his lived with us, and it was a horrible situation. he recognized it and assured me things were going to be different from now on. but here, he chose to bypass me again.

We split ways. My best friend and i. His choice. he had become so enamored with this boy, he couldn’t see straight. i was officially a third wheel. he explained, no, i was the spare in the trunk. at first trying to claim he still needed me through his relationship. i was his best friend, he told me. in the end, i became an inconvenience to him. i became unstable.

My best friend and i had a terrible brawl in Guam (a port we hit) and split ways shortly before arriving to the States again. Our friendship dessolved. All our plans went down the toilet. Having a new friend, he no longer needed me. He was right. I was the spare tire he only wish to have in the trunk; pair of old shoes he loved but would never dare style with. he was finally throwing me out.

During the months of forced relationship with his new boyfriend, i came to develop a sort of bond with him. As the relationship between my best friend and i spun out of control, amazingly enough, the new boyfriend opted to keep me steady. taking my side at times, even choosing to leave my best friend’s side to join me at miserable moments. I began to accept that none of what was going on was really his fault. He had simply gotten caught up in our dysfunction.

I put myself together. it was a miserable break-up. i couln’t believe him. how he could trade our plans and years of friendship for a piece of dick he claimed was only meant to help him pass time (in general). none of it made sense to me. i was intensely upset. but once we arrived back at the States, with new friends and determination, i began to rent my own place, do things for myself. I had become so accustumed to having my best friend by my side, i had ceased to think for myself; his thoughts having become my thoughts. His eyes my own. I loved him so much, had he stopped breathing i probably would have too. a la Neruda. it was a love beyond all reason. an unhealthy type of love. I tried. i did well. almost reclaiming my independence.

My best friend got into a wreck. he and the boyfriend got into some sort of brawl. Their relationship became destructive almost immediately as well. Both alcoholics, drug users, irresponsible…it didn’t take long before they lost control. My best friend took to the streets, drunk off his ass one night, in his brand new truck. crashed against a parked vehicle at 3am. He was going to run too had not a stander-by chased him and forced him to turn himself in to the police. My friend ended up in jail. Our ship was to go underway the next day. we had to be onboard that night.

Now, I’ve watched way too many prison movies to not have felt chills upon being notified of this situation. And of course people told me. he and i might as well have been siamese twins back in our day. The master-at-arms chief (ship police guy) approached me and immideately trickled several others.

this was his second wreck. previously, he had almost crashed in my now roomate’s car. i made him promise me under his family, his mom, dad, etc… he would never do such a stupid thing again. he promised. i don’t think he remembered. that’s not a light promise to go forgetting. things happen for a reason.

he called my apartment. His one call from jail, he made it to my new apartment. How he had my number or what he was thinking…he claimed he wanted us to get a hold of his boyfriend so he would bail him out. LOL! yeah, okay. My new roomates were also his friends. But in the words of my now roomate: he knew what he was doing.

I bailed him out. Yes, me. Stupidly, again, i had seen too many prison movies. And i loved him so much, i couldn’t see straight myself. through it all. He was in my heart. he had me coccaine hooked. I bailed him out and he began to stay at my new apartment. Along with his boyfriend. They were a… package. I just wanted him to be happy. in the time we had been apart, i had come to believe myself wrong for my feelings. begun to see. i was wrong. felt guilt even. as a true friend, i needed to be supportive of him. understanding. meaning i had to accept the boyfriend. I decided to try it out and hoped they would rehabilitate each other under a different environment. through it all, i didn’t wish my friend any ill. under my roof they would be okay.

My mother was discovered to have cancer some two months later. I received an emergency transfer to work in Los Angeles as a Navy recruiter to tend to my mom. i was gone close to 4 months on/off from my apartment. I let my friend and the boyfriend stay at my place. rent free. this thing with my mom… i kept paying rent expecting at first to come back soon enough, thinking this whole thing with mom had to be a mistake that would be rectified shortly. my roomates (a boyfriend/girlfriend pair) liked my best friend. enough to have offered to put their car down had collateral been neccessary to bail him out. they liked the boyfriend too. All of us having worked together on the ship, they willingly took to the idea of having them at our apartment while i was gone. they had my friend and the boyfriend contribute with groceries and cleaning, but it was all still cheaper than them having their own place. better i thought. didn’t give em a chance to be quite so destructive as when alone. They eventually didn’t look quite so wretched as when they lied on my bed that first day, after the hit and run/jail ordeal. and it comforted to see them so when i went home to be with my mother.

my roomates kicked them out of the apartment. All went to hell as soon as i left. My roomates began to use the apartment for all sorts of ill activities. (i’m a magnet for nuts) i learned, my male roommate dealt drugs and the girlfriend wasn’t so sweet as i had originally thought. in the Navy and all, there they were like something out of Pulp Fiction. My friend and the boyfriend left for christmas to the boyfriend’s home town. My roommates asked them not to return. Began letting all kinds of people stay in my room without even my knowledge. I was still paying rent. i gave up that apartment and moved back to live onboard my ship.

My mother died in approximately 4 months. thanks giving week, i received a call from my sister telling me about the diagnosis. easter morning, she passed away. I can’t explain what it’s like to have a parent become terminally ill. Nor to have them pass away so quickly. Mom was 47 years old.

in the mists of all this, my “best friend” took a total of $1,400 out of my bank account. Money i assume he used to finance his trip with his new boyfriend for christmas; buy him presents. All the while, he was asking me to send him money western union and crying to me about problems they all were having and the deteriorating conditions in my apartment. my female roommate called me one day, quite upset, to let me know my rent check had bounced. “WHAT??!!” i couldn’t believe it. impossible. i had more than ample money to cover my bills. i’m almost anal when it comes to me taking care of business. This was my january rent check. my february check bounced too. along with all my other bills for the month.

i assumed i had made a miscalculation, spending much more money that i had during christmas, causing that first check to bounce. i covered it, left well enough alone. when february came around and the same happened; not to mention i had everyone else hounding me too, i realized something was seriously wrong. i finally went to my bank statements and uncovered… my “friend” had transferred obcene amounts of money from my account over to his over the phone. And i was so caught up in my troubles at home, i hadn’t even stopped to think this explained why i had run out of money so suddenly for christmas.

my friend claimed it was his boyfriend who stole the money. by this time, they had been split for over a month. they broke up shortly after that christmas trip to his home. i didn’t discover the mess til february. with mom’s death and my being away from the ship, i never really confronted him nor had any mind to question anything. i took things one at a time and was even grateful to have him around for mom’s passing.

After mom’s burial, i finally called it quits on that relationship. As if all i have already mentioned wasn’t enough, to put the icing on the cake, he became even more of an ass to me after my return. And i was so distraught with everything that had gone on, i never even confronted him about anything. enough was enough. i couldn’t take it anymore. i finally woke up and realized, Jesus, it wasn’t he that had the problem. but myself. i was allowing him to do this to me. i kept trying to cling to … what?? i was the sick one. me.

his ex-boyfriend and i began to hang out. he was placed to work in my shop so that we spoke often. i was in such dire need for friendship, conversation, air… he fit me like old, broken-in jeans. easily and confortably. and knowing it all, i didn’t have to explain myself to him. i discovered he was an amazing conversationalist. incredibly intelligent. not quite so arrogant as i had previously figured him to be. perhaps it was the relationship with my ex-friend that had brought him down, but he seemed much more humble now than i had known him to be.

we were having sex before too long. on and off. i had known him for about a year at this point. he was my first. my ex-friend and i fondled heavily one time. he even told me he loved me in drunken stupor. told me a string of things that only help to finally set me free. bring me closure. nothing came of the situation, though i blacked out once and worried… i was reassured when this guy… there was no mistaking that sore feeling. We continued things for several months.
—

i hate him.

the ex-boyfriend/my “ex”… whatever he was. so much i actually thought to imagine him hanging off a cliff while i simply starred. were i the only person around… that type hate. the thought of this remained in my mind while i struggled to the bathroom yesterday morning. caused my tears to flow. such a horrible, evil feeling.

my co-worker fueled the fire by trying to explain to me it was natural for him to love the girl he’s with now. even if she was pregnant when he met her. “that’s love” he told me. “you don’t care about nothing.” (yes, he really needed to explain that one to me). it still nauseates me. how do you bang someone else’s kid? but the real blow came with the final confession from my co-worker: “don’t you know? come on! didn’t you know?? he was going around saying you were good for only one thing” and “he told this to… i’m sorry i didn’t tell you then. i didn’t think it none of my business.”

i hate him.

there is no story here. sorry if you expected this to be about him. i can’t recount who that person was to me. it was all an illusion. he threads the big pieces. that’s all i know of him. his presence in my life, what i remember: the friendship and care and concern. never took place. there’s nothing to tell. vestige threads that are deteriorating. simply, i was stupid. to have believed he was so much more. i’m angry at myself.

i hate myself.

no more crying for me. tomorrow is another day. there are better people out there. i won’t loose my faith. i’m a different person. haunted. but stronger. more vocal. This isn’t going to beat me. “As God is my witness!!!” lol! In time, the memories will fade. i won’t be reminded so incessantly… this is not going to ruin my life.

i AM someone. there IS worth in me.

best to leave well enough alone now. i should’ve done left well enough alone… since him and my ex-“friend”. they are one and the same. to each his own.

Both kings of hit and run.