entry 810031136p

by loneliness

Posted to Stories on 2003-08-10 22:03:00

it’s me, again…i don’t know where to start, much less end, like most of my life, the fractured mirror i stare into, i listen to those french words fall into my consciousness, and i realize, i am lost, i’ve always known who i am, since my father died and i felt alone, so alone all the time, with just me there, well, now…i still know, but with life, i am lost, i’m livin alone in my own little world, with supporting characters from my part and i guess, future, i slept with chris again, less than an hour ago, he left already, it’s weird, i used to be comfortable on this end, the cold uncarin end, ready to drop face into a bag, and close them up, to let them disappear, feelings and all, from my life, now, i don’t feel right, we talk, but i’m scared to tell him “i don’t feel as strongly about you as you do about me”, then, there’s keiffer, mr. san diego, mr. my dreams, mr. smile that could melt me in the arctic, i saw him last time i was there too, he still resides in the back of my mind, those eyes that pierced me, in my fear of being hurt again, i can taste the salts of his face, i’m cold, wrapped in this texas heat wave, my little batz maru blanket to hold me like a lover, when i want to be alone, in my own self ostersized moods, when i am blu black blends, mixed in a high ball, i haven’t drank in over a month, personal record for me, it cleared my mind, the tv addin ambience, while the vanilla scents still tickle my nose and toes, i stare into the eyes of my pictures, dylan, amy, christina, eric and colleen, april, me and collen, heidi and jess, monica, shipley, kristen, olga, i’m missin so many of the faces i still love, the music skips into my spirit, while fleece is my shield, and the tears, old familiars, find they way again, only, i can’t say why, not this time, not a daddy, not a sister, not a lover, not a friend, just…there, the solitude of my white walls doesn’t help, i clean like a bandit, stealin away the hours in smells of bleach and antibacterical, kills 99.9% of the germs, huh, my half priced life feels diluted…today, except for chris, and olga, i had no outside contact, cept for the purr of kittens, who find a spot under a futon, lettin myself get lost in the drama left on my back from blood or bond, not my own, and i wipe away all of my tears, thinkin of when, how, will i ever be happy, i had a long talk with dee, about life, she told me i have too high standards, i rebuttled with “well, i deserve all those things, don’t i?” and all she could say was…’yes’, simple and true, my labre is nearly healed…thank God, it scared me, i realize i need ashtrays, shanda is worried about me and my lack of sleep…i’m not, i fel like i’m runnin on empty though, like diana fox says, i’ve finally put my past behind me, i miss the nicotene in my veins, makn me me blod and thoughts run to my center, my tight belly that still won’t put on the pounds, i just don’t know anymore…

avery