A few ideas

by Ian

Posted to Stories on 2003-10-09 16:45:00

Parent message is 526188
Hello Bianca,

I read your work and I wanted to give you a few suggestions.. just the few things I saw that didn’t quite seem to fit. Maybe this will help.

The word choice threw me a little off. Instead of calling him just brown, could we see through Clare’s eyes a little more. Instead of the explanation of India, Could you perhaps say “His skin has turned a golden brown from three months under the Indian sun.”

Another word that didn’t work on the stage of my mental theater is “lolled.” I can see someone lope, bringing to mind long legs. Lolled… just not jiving for me. Then again this could just be me.

Lastly, the “wan neck”.. that’s alright I think, but that “the neck was back where it was supposed to be”, that feels wrong. I think it would feel more natural if you referred to Luca, not his neck. Perhaps “… the neck she so loved to kiss, the slightest scent of his cologne (sp?), for the first time in three months she felt whole.”

These are just a few ideas. You have a style in your writing I don’t want you to second guess, so I am going to halt there. Thank you for writing this, and keep going.

🙂
-D