last night a DJ saved my life

by cabledog

Posted to Stories on 2004-02-23 21:34:00

Track 4 on this cheesy Dance Mix LP is impossibly addictive: a Chipmunk bleating “jump with my numbers/ the underground is now upstairs” something, something. I never get past jump with my numbers, which reminds me of playing hopscotch. Someone should make a movie about children’s games and use this song as a soundtrack. I’d do it, but I’m too busy flailing in front of a strobe light, imagining myself as an eight armed god of sonic mayhem, a benevolent distributor of beats. I scratch the record a few times, play with the RPM’s, take another hit of Dust Off and adjust my technicolor Zorro mask made from last Sunday’s comics. Saturday night and my parents are at my brother’s wrestling meet in Cazel County, which leaves me six solid hours of fooling around, fumigating my soul, grandmastering on my one’s and two’s- minus one. Actually, it’s a shitty Sears record player from the 70’s- but that’s my style, the lo-tech assassin, po’ billy funk, cheap chic.

Next up: A Tony Orlando and Dawn 45 placed on top of a Commodores Greatest Hits 33. I rub the needle back and forth: a bit of ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’ segues into ‘Machine Gun.’ Genius! I take another hit and rummage through the rest of my parent’s music collection: some smooth jazz CD’s, more records- all featuring men with bushy sideburns, and classical cassettes- Bach, a few waltzes. Everything here is terrible. I find an unlabeled cassette and walk to my brother’s room to “procure” his stereo. Funny thing about my brother- he’s a wrestler but also a science geek- likes telescopes, reading National Geographic and dissecting worms. I look at his pet lizard and decide I need some company in the living room/DJ booth. Forget about the tape, I’m going to take “Spot” (great name for a lizard, huh?) and set him on the baseboard heater next to the record player. Lizards love warmth, and I’m sure they love music and Dust Off. This is going to be my best set ever.