stir with caution….
by loneliness
Posted to Stories on 2004-03-21 02:42:00
i don’t know when i started to let my thoughts cloud over so much, when i let them wash over me in a wave of uncontrolled feelins…i do know, it has effected me in ways no one notices, no one but ehren, who sleeps with me, or sleeps with a lack of me, at night…
it’s been almost a month since i’ve had more than four hours of straight sleep, my body isn’t actin like it means anything at all, i don’t look tired, i don’t feel tired, i only feel pinned to the walls of a personal cage, while i’m weighed down by more markins of thought…
the weather has been heatin up, it was in the eighties today, i felt the humidity of the river make its way to my doorstep, i felt like walkin around as skantily clothed as i my own indignation at my body would let me, it was a blue muscle shirt and vintage lookin jeans, some leather sandals to go with the oversized leather belt that has become an everyday thing for me, well…not everyday…
i felt the hang over subsidin from last night…we celebrated my twenty-fifth birthday and i didn’t have to worry about ehren monitorin my alcohol intake, or about crystal whisperin in my ear to slow down, monica like always just got more shots, for both of us…
i waited to get ready, it doesn’t always take me long, now that my hair has grown longer, it isn’t as hard to handle, and it doesn’t look like a miniature afro when i let it curl, ehren calls it my ‘seth cohen-look,’ after the idiot from the o.c. that he has me watchin now, he’s a t.v. show addict, and since we spend every night together, i get no say in interruptin his daily viewin schedule, he gets mad when i unintentinally change the channel or accidentally have to walk in front of the t.v. briefly stoppin to pick something up, adjust something, or even just light a candle, i mean, it’s not like i’m tryin to block the screen, and it’s not like he can’t still hear them talkin, Lord knows i can fuckin can…
i let my hair get curly, while i stare into the endlessness that is my clothing closet, i never understood why i had two closets in my bedroom until one filled up with clothes, but i think i could fill up a whole room with my clothes, even though i only wear maybe half of them, and that’s bein generous…my body has started to change over the past six months, the past six months that mark a dramatic change in my life even, now…now i can fill clothes out more, i no longer have a boys body, my shoulders have widened, my arms have gotten thicker as well as my ass and my thighs and my waist, i just add it up to bein the last growth spurt i’ll ever hit…
i was ready before ehren came over, before he called on his cell to tell me to just come down stairs, we were takin my truck cuz i might end up gettin a jeep wrangler in it’s place, i wasn’t drivin though, it’s my turn to get silly fucked up and make a total ass out of myself in public, which i do…
we met them at dinner, we went to baba yega’s, i don’t do veggie but crystal does, at least she eats meat now though, she has to stay green sometimes she says, i don’t know why though, i think it has something to do with casey, her ex. that fucked her head up…monica was with crystal but asked if she could ride home with us, drew was at the reliant stadium at work cuz of the rodeo and crystal was gonna stay at brendan’s tonight…i asked her “if i said no you’d be pretty much fucked huh?”
she got mad and let me know ehren wouldn’t leave her in the montrose area alone at night, and he backed her up on it…
the night turned into a blur, i started off with a shot of jack, i wanted jack and coke for the night, i wanted to get lost in the liqour, lettin it take my place, maybe i’d sleep good, maybe i’d just get lost in the amnesia of bein too fucked up…after a couple more, i walked ehren onto the dance floor, we let our skin, our limbs, the beat, we let it all mix and touch, he told me my kisses tasted like straight jack daniels and all i could do was giggle…the lights swam around me in a collage of colors that pelted the surface of everything, runnin like insects, smearin their existence on the room, it turned circles with my thoughts, i let the beat swallow me, holdin onto ehren for support, for assurance i wasn’t alone anymore, for everything, i let the words of the songs etch themselves into my brain, even though i would forget them in a matter of minutes, piss them out with the liqour and the soda…
i remember the shots, i remember the drinks,i remember the music, i remember the dance floor, i remember stranger’s faces, i remember nearly hittin someone, the guy looked at me, then he looked at ehren, he asked ehren ‘why’re you with him when you can take me home tonight?’ his cocky little smirk stuck on his face like a bumper sticker, in that moment i didn’t let his drunken blabber excuse the way he was actin, i didn’t let my drunken thoughts slip back into just bein the thoughts of someone who has had too much to drink…i stare at ehren for his reply…he looks at me and i feel my heart sinkin, poolin in the puddle of liqour that has become my insides…i wanna cry, i wanna scream, i wanna knock this mother fuckers teeth into his stomach, then ehren looks at him and he says “cuz i love him…just leave us alone…” and i can’t really make anything out anymore, i just know that i’m starin at this guy, who isn’t ugly by any standards, unless your standards don’t include perfect skin, a toned body and a nice face…i stare at him and i can feel the express on my face, i feel it like the temperature in the room, i know i looked pissed, and i know i am starin too hard at him, he sneers at me and starts to walk away…
“if ya got sum-thin ta fukkin say, bitch, than fukkin say it…” i don’t know if i slurred or not, i don’t care, i just made sure he heard me call him a bitch, that was my intention, and he turns around with a contorted face, not sayin anything just sneerin…i can feel ehren more than see him, he’s tryin to calm me down, he’s tryin to grab me before i move, he’s tryin to smooth out the situation… he’s the babysitter tonight…
“well, ya uglee muthar fukker ya gotta prah-lum ur not…” i’m tryin to make him angry, crystal’s there too, she’s like ehren, only cuz she isn’t drunk as i am, monica is though, she’s sittin there, laughin, while the words fall out of her mouth in a crippled sound “yeeeaaaahhh, yyyou stuppppid bbbitchhh, whatr yyyyou gonnnnna dooo, gooo cr-highhh in tha muthaa fuckkkinnn resssrooooom..ha ha ha” i can tell her words slurred…i can tell mine must have too…people started to look…
“lookie here, mister stupid fukkin bitch, i’ll fukk yur world up, if ya ever. look. at my man again, under fukkin stand, rico fukkin suave, get a fukkin napkn for yur tears…” i don’t talk shit for long, ehren covers my mouth, and i get madder, crystal is lecturin me, i let it go, but still, i stare at the guy, across the room almost, almost even out of site, but still, he’s givin me a look equally as poisonous as mine…
we didn’t stay too much longer after that…
the ride home was me in and out of consciousness, monica had to barf several times, i joined her for two of the times, ehren just pulled over and i opened the door so we could put our heads out, we rode with the windows down, ehren laughed on the way home, i remember that, cuz it was weird to me that he laughed at my childish attempt to defend what was mine, i think part of him liked it now, i think it showed how much i do consider him to be mine…
we dropped monica off at home, while ehren decided to walk her to her room, i followed out want to be by his side, she was silly drunk, the waves of nausea had passed, now she was ready to collapse, i woke up steven, whose on spring break, i told him to watch her, cuz she was drunk, he made a comment about how when is she not, i told him ‘not fair’ he told me goodnight, he told ehren have fun and laughed in the darkness of his room… we let ourselves out in the midnight coolness, i didn’t want to kiss ehren, i still felt the aftertaste of the vomit in my mouth…i felt better though, not sober still…
i know we had sex, i remember vaugely our naked bodies…the music, turnin the air on as cold as i could get, so that i didn’t feel over heated…which was already startin when i got naked…
when i woke up, a couple of hours later it was still dark, i walked to the kitchen and got water, i felt like my mouth was covered with dust or sand and like sola took a shit in it, or someone did, my head hurt, like a nail was driven in the center of my forehead, i thought that was what i get, that’s what i get for bein so fuckin stupid, then i run to the restroom, i feel the muscles of my stomach heave up, pushin like kickin legs, tryin to expel the water from my belly, it’s only dry heavin though, and it hurts, i sit there on the ugly tiles of the restroom floor, sola purrin on my feet, that i try to sit on also, holdin the toilet seat, lettin the cold make my body feel better…i’m sittin in the incomplete dark of the restroom, and i feel like it’s years before, like i’m still in san diego, drinkin everything away, everyone away…
i’m not naked, i just realize it, ehren must’ve dressed me while i was unconscious, he’s sweet like that, i feel the guilt of forcin him to take care of me, i should be past this, past the times where i drink myself into ignorance and assdom, past the troubles past the wonderin past the chemical use cover up, i’m not, not completely, i realize i haven’t smoked in about a week, am i quittin? maybe, at least that’s one psychosematic addiction done with, for a while at least…
i don’t go through the whole please God let me feel better and i won’t drink again thing, i’m already feelin better, so i wonder back to the bed, i cross over ehren to the wall, he scares me when he asks if i’m okay, i scream and plop down on him, he kisses my face, and holds me to his naked body, so i get up again “yeah, i’m better now…let me close the door” he’s naked, so i close sola out of the bedroom…she’ll meow in protest, but she’ll get over it…
i fall back to sleep on his arm, thinkin of how we met, our time together, my love for him, it hits the inside of my skull and it scares me as much as it fills me up…
i wake up hours later again, this time it’s light outside, ehrens drooled on the back of my neck, it’s gross, but i don’t care…i slowly move out of the bed, listenin to his breath before i do, tryin to make sure not to wake him, i sneek into the other room, closin the door behind me, it’s ten, i still feel woozey, i see my clothes, and ehren’s, scattered in a trail to the bedroom, i pick them up as i head for a glass of water, my throat feels like i ate a yard of course grain sandpaper, and it taste worse than sola’s shit smells, i feel bad that ehren had to taste that…
it’s five, i’m leavin ehren to go the store, to pick up somethings and to pay light and telephone bills, they’re not due til april but fuck it, i want out of the apartment, besides he’s stuck on stupid in front of the t.v., i’m pickin up dvd’s tonight too, no t.v. cuz we’re stayin in, i feel the warmth of the day subsidin into a warm night…
when i get back it’s already been an hour, i come back with eighty dollars worth of things i didn’t need and three dvds, 28days later, cuz i need horror that just isn’t my life, camp cuz we both need to see something that has a decent endin, and how to deal, which he finally talked me into gettin…in the other hand is the stuffin for the pillows i wanted to make, i bought more material for my walls, to finally finish the last one, i’m puttin baby blue on the walls, since i can’t paint them, and makin them look like curtains, i also bought some more paints and some more canvas, a couple of paint brushes, antibacterial dawn, and some thread…
i told ehren i felt like a fuckin house wife, i told him while i was gettin out the veggies and meat for stir fry tonight..
“and you’re a damn goodone, cept for the wife part, you act more like glen close in fatal attraction, please, no rabbit tonight…” then he chuckles at his own corny ass joke, whatever…
we debate over the order of the dvd viewin, we play play paper rock scissors for it, two out of three, but if i win he usually sits on me and tickles me til i can’t breath so i will give in, he doesn’t care that i have the stove on, he only cares about mandy moore and her learnin ‘how to deal,’ i bite his ass to get him off me, and he doesn’t budge, so i give in…
then he sees the one thing i tried to hide from him that i bought, the sleepin pills…
our quiet night is now him askin me to not drink and take them, to not get upset and overdose on them, to…it makes me angry, and we argued over it, i was only tryin get some fuckin sleep, he’s only concerned i’ll have a one of my ‘days,’ and that i’ll do something stupid, he almost starts to cry, we argue over it while i stand in the kitchen tryin to make a pitcher of tea, while i watch the food, stirrin, the conversation goes on and on, he doesn’t understand that it honestly could be me needin sleep, he thinks i should just see a doctor for my problem, even a psychologist or psychiatrist, which ever would be able to help me, he’s tryin to psychoanalyze me, i only feel like a fuckin psycho, i try to get him off the topic of my not sleepin, he told my mom, he told olga, he told crystal he told monica, he’s worried, i know that, he cares, i know that too, but it’s my problem, i’m doin alright…
finally we come to common ground, he’ll drop it if i give him the bottle and let him dispense them, i won’t do that, he can have them i tell him and i won’t buy anymore but he has to take those…
we eat dinner tryin to get over the arguement, we eat dinner watchin how to deal and it does take my mind off the arguement, yeah right, i know he is thinkin what am i thinkin, i know he is worried even more, i know now he feels insecure about it, so when we’re done i clear the plates and then i lay in his arms, we cuddle while we get lost in her world, it’s a love story, so we kiss throughout the movie, i try not to turn it into sex on the couch, it’s easy i just think of him accusin me of tryin to off myself…
then it’s 28 days later, after that he’s scared and we go to the bedroom, discussin the rage, discussin what we’d do if it happened, if her were infected and i wasn’t, if i was infected and he wasn’t, he remembers my dreams after watchin it for the first time, he remembers me bein the only one in the apartment not afraid to move after we all watched, monica and drew immobile and clingin to one another, amy curled under a throw, could we survive, he thinks i would but he wouldn’t, who we’d want to be with if it happened, if we could only pick one person to be with, he wants us to write it down as to be honest, naturally he picks me, and i pick…him…
then i force him to take a pill while i do the remainin wall, while i put things up, while i wash dishes…
he does, and then…he’s out, no sex, no cuddlin, no conversation, no nothing, just his snorin, i watch him for awhile, drawin his face in my sketch pad from several angles, i’ve gotten really good at lookin at things and drawin since bein art, it looks alot like him, i do six sketches, then i get back to my pillows and my own worries…
i haven’t told him that i think about him nonstop, i haven’t told him it scares me, i haven’t told him that i’m worried about my mother, i haven’t told him i worry about amy and her little girl, my not even a month old niece, i feel like i’m her father, i mean, i pray to God to let no harm come to her, she’s so small and vulnerable…
i don’t tell him that i feel different now that i am gettin older, i haven’t told him that i worry about my future, my dreams, i haven’t told him i went to lunch, or came home for lunch with dustin, and that dustin kissed me, that i didn’t kiss him back…
i haven’t told him about us havin kids, that monica said she’d be the surrogate mother, twice for us, she’d do it, i haven’t told him i’m scared, scared of so many more things…
i can’t tell him that i feel like i’m an awful person, that i’ve done things in my life i won’t forget myself for, he knows what i’ve done, but he doesn’t know i still beat myself up for it, i haven’t told him that watchin “the passion of the Christ” with monica and her parents has fucked with my head, fucked with my faith in people every, or how i hate bush now, how i fuckin served, five, almost six years of my life, gone, and i thought it was for a damn good reason, until i hear bush say i can never marry ehren, not that exactly but basically, that’s what he said, that drew said it wasn’t sanctified for ‘gays’ to marry but that he would never want me to not have that chance…he just never thought i wanted to marry, neither did i, not until…not until the option has the possibly of bein taken away from me, and that maybe i might never get to commit to ehren that way, cuz he matters to me that much, and i never realized it, i don’t tell him how everyday i discover more and more how much i can possibly love him, how it hits me at times like a fuckin sledge hammer on the crown of my head, how it hurts inside and i’m scared i’m gonna fuck it up cuz i am fuck up, cuz i fuck things up alot….
i can’t tell him that i’m scared after the car wreck, scared to drive sometimes, that i stare at the scars, tiny little things, on my face, and i realize i could’ve died, i could’ve been blinded, i could’ve been paralyzed, mom could be dead, i could’ve watched her die or she could’ve seen me die, i don’t tell him how i feel her hand the moment of the impact, touch mine, how i see the car plow into the door on my right, less than a foot from my body, then i turn to see her face, like she is dyin, and how i felt her fear for me, saw her tears for me, how it kills me inside, how i don’t even feel worth that effort, how i don’t feel like she, or even he, should love me, me of all people, that much….
i don’t tell him that i think of him in a car accident, layin there spittin up blood, in the middle of the 610 or some other fuckin highway, caught in traffic, away from me, dyin there…. would his fuckin mother even tell me?
i don’t tell him cuz i can’t, i don’t say that these things, added to so many more, make stay awake at night, make me run around like a fuckin maniac, workin out, runnin, cleanin, drawin, paintin, all of it in a frantic hysteria cuz i don’t have an outlet for it…not really…
i don’t tell him cuz when the thoughts stir, i want them to stir with caution cuz they could drive me crazy and then…i might as well have died…
