Vlad the Imbiber(PC)

by tkeiser

Posted to Stories on 2004-06-03 21:57:00

My shoes are filled with blood, which is no longer okay, now that Dracula just drinks like a fish anymore. I try to tell him that I have some blood, but he looks at me as if he were a normal person being offered plasma for a nightcap. I try to calm him down, but you just can’t screw with the Impaler without getting some attention.
“What’s the matter,” the Gomorrah’s waitress asks me.
“Dracula here no longer wants his precious blood. This is good quality AB+ crap I’ve got here, but it won’t sell in this black market.”
“Don..” the waitress asks Dracula as if she had been sucked before. “Should I send this man on his way?” The sluts I’ve known before were never this articulate.
“God bless community college,” I thought out loud. “How tight WAS the job market that brought you to this craphole?”
“I’ll take care of this,” Dracula said. His false teeth and brown wig weren’t fooling anyone. “C’mon, Tim. I’ll call you a cab, and we’ll talk as soon as you get your crap together.”
“Like hell, Dracula! You ain’t fooling no one! You.. Don’t.. Know.. Who.. You’re.. MESSING WITH!”
After I tried to remove Dracula’s tightly adhesive teeth, I realized that quoting the movie “Blade” is not the best thing to say to a vampire, even when you’re trying to out him. Ultimately, I was the one who was outed, if only into the desolate midnight avenue. I regained my sobriety sooner than I regained my composure, guaranteeing another sloppy encounter with the Vampire.
I would hole myself up for months if I had to, just to bring Dracula down. That’s what you do when Vlad the Impaler does 90 in a 25. That’s what you do when you see him sinking the radials of his Escort into your lover’s body, leaving her blood go to waste in the residential zone of your soul. Maybe I’ll go after the harpy who mowed down my dog in the interim, some practice before I slay any and all demons who put six feet of dirt between me and my Suzanne.

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