Our 9 months….. part 17…..only 1 more to go I think…..you all hope!

by teddie

Posted to Stories on 2001-12-22 18:22:00

The day is here and the time has finally come for me to do my job and let you go to someone else. We were invited to ride along with all of you and your family, but I declined, I just didn’t think I could sit in a car with you and not cry all the way there and back. Even in separate cars the tears fell never ending until we arrived at the agency. Once in the door we were greeted by some women, some old some young all of the smiling at us as if this was to be celebration. It was of course, a celebration, if you can call it that. I was then escorted into a room with one of the women that I saw at the door we came through. She took my hand and patted it as if to tell me it would all be ok and she was there to comfort me. She wasn’t there for that at all, only to make sure we understood what all the legal mumbo jumbo meant in layman’s terms. We went into a room decorated with children’s drawings and photos. I can only assume they were from some of the children they had placed into homes in the past, I didn’t ask and she did tell me so I can only guess that. Off in the corner I noticed the Serenity Prayer, I began repeating it to myself as she started to mumble off about all the paper work I would be signing and how good a person I was to be making this decision. Funny how I didn’t feel so good at that moment. I wanted to run screaming from the room yelling at all of them to stop smiling at me, to stop telling me how great I am for giving all of you this gift. As if you were some dolly I just bought off a shelf somewhere and was passing along to people like a wrapped up present cause I didn’t have room for it in my life. That is only partially true, I didn’t have room for you, hell I didn’t even have room for myself. You are so much more than that though, you are a part of me, the part I will never forget, the part I will forever hold on to in my dreams and heart.
I don’t remember half of what she said to me, words here and there as I looked blankly at the papers in front of me and one by one signed my name to them and pushed them back across the desk towards her. I remember that all I could really focus on was the Serenity Prayer in the corner of the room, it was the only thing I could understand at that moment the only thing that kept me from losing all composure in that office. I began to feel smothered and as if something was crushing me so that I couldn’t breath or talk to anything. I started to cry just then it was the only thing I could do anymore, no words just tears as I continued to sign away the only part of me left in the world. I understand you have an agreement with the parents that there will be some contact such as letters, pictures, etc. is that correct? For whatever reason I heard that and I nodded my head still unable to speak anything coherent. Then the questions about the birth father came, I didn’t know much about him so I didn’t know what to say. Mechanically I answered the questions I could and waved off the other ones. Would you like a tissue, she finally asked me once my nose began to drip. I accepted the offered Kleenex as I continued to cry and shake. You know you are doing such a noble thing by giving up your child, most people wouldn’t have the courage to do that, she is a lucky girl to have someone love her as much as you do to make this decision. Yes, I said I guess she is. What was I suppose to say, thanks lady I am so glad you are happy for me and my daughter, can you tell me, how do I stop the pain I feel inside my heart, how do I make the nightmares stop, how is it that I go on living now when all I ever wanted is gone? Can you answer that please, can you tell me what the hell I do now?! I didn’t say any of that of course, I just sat there kept answering her questions and signing the papers like a good little girl. When she was done she asked if I wanted to see my baby girl again before I left.
Yes I said, I can do that! Well it’s customary to let the birth mother have a few moments alone with the baby then we let her hand over the child to the parents, sort of a passing over of parents if you will. Sure I said then, and can my mother come in as well so she can see her again. If you wish, I will get them both and bring them in. The silence in the room at that moment was louder than anything I had ever heard, it consumed me as I waited and wept.

When the door opened again there was my mom and my daughter, the last time we would all be together for a long, long time. We were all left alone to say whatever it was we wanted to say and give kisses and hugs to her in this final moment. I held her close to me knowing I would not feel that warmth, closeness, breath or sweet soft skin for some years to come. I repeated that I loved her what had to be a million times, not knowing what else to say to her. I will never forget you and I will always love you. You are going to be such a happy little girl, mom, dad and sister will take such good care of you and one day I will see you again when you are all grown up, and I will tell you again that I love you. Thank you for letting me get to know you these last 9 months and for trusting me to do the right thing. It won’t be the same without you here to read to in the night or sing to when I am lonely, but you will be ok I know you will, I wouldn’t let you go with people that were anything less than the best. I love you sweetheart, I will love you for all my life, there will never be another you. You smiled at me again, just like the day mom and I cam to see you at the hotel, those big brown eyes shining up at me and in them I could see your future filled with all the happiness this world could give you. I could see that you would be ok and that you knew I was only doing what I had to, not that I didn’t love you, not that I didn’t care, but that I was doing it because I love you and because I care about you so much you needed more than I could offer at 19 and I was giving you all I could.
Your mom and dad enter the room then and I handed you over to them. We all joined a circle of love around you in that room. Arm in arm we all looked at you, dressed all in white like the angel you truly are and we promised to love you unconditionally with all our hearts. Your mom looked up at me with tears in her eyes and told me thank you, thank you for the gift you have given us, thank you for trusting us to give her the best life we can, thank you for the life you gave to her and in turn to us, she will always know you love her, we will tell her often so she never thinks otherwise. God will watch over her as he did you and she will be safe with us. We will love her as our own, never letting her doubt for a moment that she is special. Your dad took my hand and held it in his squeezing it with all he had in him at the moment and told me that they loved me too because I had given them the most precious thing any one could ever give another person, you gave us a life we couldn’t have had without you, she is on good hands and God will keep you safe so that one day you can come back to her and we can all love her together. I have never seen a group of people so in love with the same person as we all are with you, and all of us around you then letting our love flow through you so that you would know just how loved you are. I know God sent her to you, I know he is putting her where she needs to be and I have all confidence that you will love her and nurture her and keep her safe for all her life, so I thank you and your family for being the ones to keep her. I love you all as well, she is yours now, she will always be ours, but now she is yours. Tell her I love her, tell her…….We will, she will always know. I knew what they told me to be true and I knew it was time for me to go. I kissed you, once on the forehead, once on each eye, once on your nose, a kiss in each hand since my heart is there and finally those sweet lips I kissed one last time, then rubbed your hair and told you good bye. I have never cried so hard in all my life, even now as I remember that day I do so with tears streaming down my face because it is all still so clear to me. The way you looked, smelled, your eyes, your face the angel I brought into this world, I remember it all. That would be the last time I saw you and the next day I moved back to GA with my mom.