Litkicks Message Board Archive

the poem

Posted to Poetry




I really like this poem, but I know comments like that are useless, so...I liked the metaphors, choice of language etc, particularly the last stanza:
"I’m trapped by your revoked love,
Lost by your fleeting touch
Hidden and beaten by your distracting look
WHY?", which I felt was the strongest by far.

The only thing I can think to comment on, aside from what I liked about the poem, was in the beginning and middle of the poem I felt less words were needed. I can't think how to explain what I mean except to say that some words can be removed from sentences, still leaving a poetic sound and meaning...The example I'll give you is the second line, "Taken from its once peaceful position, and mutated into its now contorted design." I think this sentence is strong, but that "once" and "now" aren't really necessary as the idea of past and present is obvious to the reader... There were a few other sentences that I thought needed this (in the last stanza the repeat of "your" seems unnecessary for the same reason), but I'm not an expert or anything, and tend to prune sentences to their minimum. But I did really like the poem as it stands. I hope that was in some way helpful.