Litkicks Message Board Archive

thanks judih

Posted to Utterances

i just have always had these kinds of situations occur. each time that they do, i become more frightened of going outside. i become more feral. this incident has people looking at me so differently than as the gentle and scared person that i really am, and i put on a protective shell as a result. i am not a fighter. i do not pull weapons on people at will. i felt so very close to being pummelled into nothing that my response was a last resort. my girlfriend is worried for me. i am having a very difficult time with directing these conflicting emotions of fear compassion anger and safety.
i feel ready to fall apart.
my gal is depressed and this is compounding her stress.
where do they breed rockin' roll asshole wanna be's anyway, or people so big in stature yet small in heart mind and spirit that others doing the right thing get broken? it is a chapter in my life that i
keep trying to set aside in a book on a quiet shelf somewhere. my head hurts, my ear
was torn, my eye is swollen shut and i'm being looked upon as in the wrong for
defending myself in the only way possible in that moment-the moment when an imbecillic
teenage mind driven sledgehammer met my head and face without provocation... the
need to cry is overwhelming, but it stings and aches so much.
it's hard to feel brave when you feel in the wrong by everyone around you for defending your life in the only
way that existed in that time. i'm feeling abandoned by the friends that i was working
with, my gal, hell, even the cat don't like me when i feel like this. i feel small alone
and frightened to make eye contact with people on the street for fear that they will
take it as a threat and attack me.
thanks for your words.