Litkicks Message Board Archive

i love to read a natural talent for rhyme!! great job! - a little edit here

Posted to Poetry

there's a couple of lines which would read more smoothly with minor edits to the wording and stresses. When first working with rhyme & rhythm, structured verse, (which by the way, can offer a tone which adds to the piece in ways that free verse cannot achieve)... it is a good idea to make sure the pattern of the meter is kept clean. I hope you don't mind, but since you have posted here on the Poetry board, I assume your open to some constructive critique and i've taken the liberty to do an edit to illustrate what i mean about keeping the meter clean. Here 'tis ---let me know if you think this reads more smoothly .... (i'll put an asterisk by the lines I edited so you can compare) oh, and i also added some punctuation to help the reader pause at the right places, etc.

I met her in a summer storm.
we both were trying to stay warm. *
she said, "you're good at twisting men *
to see if they will break or bend". *

"the ones that break, I leave behind,
the others always lose their minds.
a careless glance and then it's done.
a smile from me, my smoking gun. *
it doesn't matter, blunt or coy ,*
each man's reduced by me to boy.*
say, why are you not kneeling yet ? *
no man's resistance I have met!'
what's the matter? are you gay?
'cause if you are, just go away! *
I see that you are heart-broken, *
the smile you gave, a mere token .*
I think it best if you don't linger.
your kind's not wanted 'round my finger!"

I met her in a summer storm,
two hearts just looking to stay warm .


the only other critique i can offer is that the voice changes in this piece which makes it a little difficult to follow. In other words, the first two lines which are echoed in the last two lines are the man speaking, and then the voice changes to a woman speaking, if i read it correctly. I tried to accomplish separating the two voices to make it more clear by using quotation marks and breaking up the stanzas differently. I'm not sure if it works better, but I tried.

Thanks for reading this edit and i hope i offered even one small change which is useful to you.