you need to think things out before you put them down. this seems like a first draft. it has no real body. the best poetry comes from thought without periphralities. concentrate on one thing and let it spawn! and for christ's sake think about who is going to read it, and make it coherent. poetry, no matter how much our generation may want it to be, is not just about pretty words throw together. it needs universality. your readers need to relate to the content in which you, as the poet, are projecting .