Litkicks Message Board Archive

first impressions

Posted to Action Poetry

hey! nice stuff! i just read thru it so these are only things that popped out at me but for that reason are often worth writing down. um, i like the snatches of radio in poem 1, i'd, swith lines 16 & 17 tho, so 'hey jack kerouac, i think about your mother, would divide the thoughts of yr father & mother, but maybey that is what you were trying to avoid...

'change the world' appears too many times in pie & coffee, is reconstruct the universe too grand? i dunno, something different tho

i'm with judith on technicolour/disney

absolutely love bridesmaid

think you could go one of two ways with the five poem culling, either a family oreinted group with
for my parents; good girl; bridesmaid; dec. of bueaty; & lilacs at my door (which is a quite good running order if i may say so...) or go for impressionism with summer skin; winterlude; & write three more with a similar attitude, which is quietly observant sketching in a totally familiar way, easy for the reader to relate too but detailed enough to suprise him/her with your accuracy & clarity, which do show strongly in those other two. that leaves the problem of writing more (its not about turning on the tap as avoiding accidentally crimping the hose), & coffee, pie & cigarretes, which doesnt fit either of my hypotheticals but seems too strong to leave out. I'm not real keen on Open Letter to Jack Kerouac - it's a good poem but it's not allways a good thing to wear your influences on yr sleeve. whatever, these are just my kneejerk reactions, let us know what you decide on good luck & most of all have fun!