Litkicks Message Board Archive

confused thoughts

Posted to Action Poetry




hearing his voice, always make me remember that i'm alone, i feel like...no one will want me, no one at all, they're smarter than i am, at least they can see that, i'm all fucked up...

but how, whose to judge me, with their lives that mimic one another, in picket fence breakdowns, i'm glad i'm independent and think for myself, at least i can say, i live my life...

i wonder where aaron is, probably out, having fun, all the way across the world, where i will never be able to see him again, his eyes so green, emerald's shoved into the pits of his sockets, to sparkle there, in lush vibrance, i've always love green eyes, and his, his...

mom's sick again, i wish i could get away to take care of her, then again, i'm glad i can't, she always leans on me, as if i were sturdy enough, to hold us both up, hell, i can barely hold myself up, but if she were to prop me against something else, then i guess, i could hold her weight, i love that women so much, i never want to hear what i know is coming soon, 'aki, ma's dead', everyone though, must face that one day, i guess, the prospect of our mortality...

how soft and fragile we really are, death is easy, coping with it isn't, that's why i'd never...slit my wrists, can't say the thoughts haven't been there before though, the way i'd do it, pills and alcohol, crashing into a wall at full speed in my little car that was stolen, drowning in the ocean that birthed me, inhaling the cold fluid into my lungs, and tasting the salts in the back of my throat, or is the pacific fresh water? why don't i know simple things like that?, i could drown in a tub of water, symbolic of something, and be creative with the letter, but, ma, nana, none of them would ever fogive me, and i can be cruel, but never that cruel, i miss them alot, can't wait to go home in december for christmas vacation, seeing amy and baby, everyone, even him...

i wonder if i should go home for thanksgiving?...

jason, how my world speaks that name, his non dancing ass, i felt him get excited last night, when we were dancing, i think i might love him, but he's so...reformed, one beer queer, ha, i want to get him plastered and see what happens, those silly sloppy kisses, his stiff body, the way we love the same songs, the way he looks at me, when he thinks i am not noticing, the way he wants to baby me, i hate that one, the way he defends me, all those guys last night, trying to get with me, 'well, i'll protect you', sweet, so damn sweet, i think i'll let him defend me at times, my knight in shiny white armor, tomorrow, igby goes down, or whatever it's called...

what should i wear, not club clothes, not old marm clothes either, hmmm, maybe black, whom i kidding, of course hlack, or brown and blue, i know, i'll wear that dress i bought, that never gets to hug my flesh, holding my breast perky...

i like to be looked at, but, my body isn't what i can make it, not yet at least...

i love my firm belly, the smallness of it...

i hate pink, it's pepto...

can i really go on, dad's birthday is coming up next month, and it'll have been the tenth time, that i never got to tell him 'happy birthday daddy', but i guess, i will have to deal, watch, i know i am gonna be a bunch of tears and drunk off my ass, swallowing every gulp as if it were something that could heal me, close those rifts deep inside of me, i know this, yet, it still happens, over and over again, maybe jas will find some way to help me...

last night my drunk talk about, love you father, he's not eternal, neither is your mother, i feel silly, that 'i was so drunk i acted a fool' embarassment, ma told me not to drink so much, but i learned it from her, to drown in the bottle before reality can kick you full force, numb it, numb it all...

'suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste, it all revolves around you'

i wanna dance til i faint tonight...this wine is sooo good, the color just sticks out, so deep and rich...

i wonder how much i can chug before he arrives, with his dark hair and ice blue eyes, how drunk i will be when i open the door, my belly peeking out from under my top, my legs, taunt and perfect, showing their definition, time at the gym, the heels that make them longer, sleeker, almondy colored, i feel pretty today, a rarety, i just hope, i don't vomit, always on my mind, but i hardly ever do, my tummy's been rumbling though, angry at me, this material feels so...lovely

tonight, i might let him go further than those kisses...maybe...nah, i need to wait...

let me find the cd to set the mood...

'day by day, heart to heart, i hope that we ever be...together'

mike's song for me, all these guys, that weren't the one, their hang ups, their hands, their opinions, their macho minds, their faults, their failure, their lack, all of them, man, i loved him, so much, i would have been his forever, forever, trapped in my own personal cage, that i created, but he...he was the one that ruined it, then there was nick, the worst one of all, my only regret in life, i showed aaron and jason, only two guys ever, all the scars he left on me, told them both, about each one, aaron left me, he had to, cause of work, but now, now there is jason, who is so different from them all, with his boyish smile, that innocence i crave to be...

i'll treat him right...ma will love him, i hope...

i need to finish my paintings, two more to go, then...

i need to dance, to forget, to live, to look into everything with my curiousity, i need to study more, i need to have hope, i need to have faith in everything, i need security, i need to smile, i need to love, i need a child, i need nothing but what i got...