Litkicks Message Board Archive


Posted to Action Poetry

I realized today how much I hate those bumper stickers
You know--the ones that really pushy, self-satisfied parents drive around with, boasting about their STUPID children.
They read as follows:
"My child is an honor student at __________ High School."
Fill in the blank with your town's name and find out for yourself how truly offensive this is.
I mean for god's sakes--isn't this what we did as KIDS?
"My daddy is richer than Doron's daddy!"
"My mother is thinner than Miriam's!"
Are we regressing as much as I had cynically calculated we were?
I mean take a look at yourselves, parents--is this a GOOD example to set for your children?
You can only be good (that's a generic, all-around good) if you are an HONORS student?
Let's take a look at the famous people that we worship in our decidedly American way of materialistic fabulousness:
Britney Spears--smart or no?
I think we can quite safely say no.
But she's a millionaire, and no doubt that's all the parents of these so-called honors students want for their kids anyway.
These parents want their kids to be millionaires but they also LOVE the fact that their kids are HONORS students.
The two have nothing to do with one another.
I mean, I'm speaking anti-honors over here.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not STUPID or anything.
I mean I probably got like a 1590 on the PSAT yesterday--
nothing spectacular, but you know, intelligent enough.
Anyway from the point of view of an HONORS student at Scammmish High School, I can tell you that honors is easily come by.
MOST of the people who are HONORS students are unbelievably, exaggeratedly foolish.
As Real Iago once said, "There are differences between smart, knowledgeable, and OBSESSIVE."
I think we can all infer that the majority of the HONORS students fall into the third category.
They love life.
What the hell is wrong with this system if the really smart people are falling into the same category--HONORS--as mildly competent fools who obsess for hours over every assignment?
I mean, these people are the kind of obsessive idiots who even choose their outfits two weeks in advance and hang them up in their closets.
The weather throws them off if it doesn't go according to the forecast, and then they have to switch things around, consequently causing poor test performance.
And then they receive honors status and their parents go to PTSA night or whatever the hell it is (god knows my parents don't partake in this kind of shit)and buy a god-damned bumper sticker advertising to the world that their kid has officially been proclaimed to have greater self-worth than the rest of the drug-pushing, all-around stupid population in whatever school they attend.
In actuality, their kid DOES do drugs, and IS a member of the all-around stupid population of suburban America.
It makes you think: do these parents not know (in other words are they just stupid), or are they much smarter than we think, and just not letting on to the fact that Junior over there is going to end up in Rikers Island for one too many usages of cocaine (supplied by another honors student, no doubt), and consequently get ass-raped by some guy who taught chorus at the school where old Junior was an honors student before he got arrested for pedophilia?
Which is it?
Personally, I think these "Honor student" bumper stickers should be divided into categories.
One: "My child is a genuinely smart individual."
(Should be used with discretion, as abuse of this one is going to be totally inevitable for over-indulgent parents.)
Two: "My child is a jock to whom the school happily dishes out inflated grades so he can score the final touchdown."
(Believe me, I was in a PSAT testing room with the entire football team, and I can tell you that none of these people, though all card-carrying honors students, would get into college if intelligence actually had a thing to do with it.)
Three: "My child is a sufferer of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder who stays up until all hours of the night, studying precisely forty-three and a half minutes for each one of the 40 math problems and 52 verbals on the PSAT."
(Most honors students fall into this category; after all, if you work hard you can actually trick the majority of people--most of whom are stupid anyway--into thinking that you are intelligent.)
Four: "I am a parent who has an inferiority complex, with a child who, though he/she has absolutely no individualistic personality traits, will serve as a means for me to derive self-esteem."
This--and here is the only real point--can actually be fine print on the bottom of every variety of bumper sticker.