Litkicks Message Board Archive

a different kind of trip

Posted to Roadgoing




[this is a very public apology to my dear friend and (until very recently) boyfriend]

We started out on a journey of discovery...both of us sure that this time would be the right path
somehow along the way, the road twisted and I lost sight of my destination and began to resent you for always leaving me to catch up with you as you followed yours

then you realized that you had lost your path too and we wandered for a while, each thinking the other knew the way and even if we didn't, that we could find it together

one day, you realized that you needed to find your path again and it broke my heart

but I knew that I too had lost my way and that I needed to get back on that path before I could even look up to the sky again

I took a few steps outside on the road and I slipped, and I fell
I took words that I saw and twisted them so they would have new meaning - so they would make you wrong and make you bad -- because then, then I could say that your path was the wrong one and that it was right that mine was leading away from you --

I wrote horrible hurtful things to you and about you and left them out where they could be caught up in the wind and carried out to the sky and left free like that them will roam until they land and destroy a friendship

my heart and my soul are on this strange and terrifying road trip and the bumps and twists seem to harm you more than they harm me - if only I could see them for what they are then I would be safe and so would you
but I cannot yet see the truth for what it is
my heart is still bleeding and so I lash out on this road with anger and bitter bile-filled words
instead of the love and care that exists buried beneath the ashes of my rage

on this road to self, I find several paths before me
I have travelled a short way down each of them and I find that the ugliest of them is jealousy
it is dark and strewn with sharp stones and tripping roots and on this path, as I fall, I pull you down with me when I know you are trying to follow a different path

I have wandered briefly on the path of self-pity ... the swamps suck and grab at my soul and the haunting voices here tell me I am not worth loving and that no one ever will
I try and try to extract myself from the mire but the more I struggle, the deeper I sink
I have found that tears do not work here and no songs come from my heart

the road of forgetfulness is not yet in my sight and truthfully, I do not believe I wish to explore this route
never will I care to forget the joy you gave my heart and the song you gave my soul

the only road I know is the road to healing and it is hard to find, the entrance obscured by these other paths that seem so easy at first but then give way to their hidden dangers

I want you to know from my heart that I am so sorry that I hurt you
that I cannot forgive myself for the pain I have caused in my most recent rantings
it is from hurt that I wrote but it is not forgivable and never can I say it was understandable
all I can tell you is that my road ahead is very hard
I don't know where it will take me but I know it will be far from this place
I am going to pack my bags and run away
from you, from me, from us and from the agony of knowing that in my pain I have harmed your trust

please, someday, look back on me and smile and if you cannot do that, then at least look back on me and know that I will always love you and that if I could take all the cares and worries of this eartly world away from you I would but now, it is time for me to leave the confines of this place and this world

I leave you now with a wish for your eternal happiness and I leave you all the love I would have ever had

there is a light at the end of the tunnel they say, and so I start to turn to the light and say goodbye to you and love to you

I hope I find peace here
love from my heart
-k-