but it makes me wonder if it was worth it. sure his stuff made for good books. and he did lots of things most dream of. but...was it worth it to die so? if what he did was so great, why was he so miserable? and if he had a second chance, knowing what he knows now, would he give it all up for true love and happiness?
example: having a craving for chocolate. and having everything else available to you but chocolate. so that you try; eat all these wonderful and random foods. but never feel satisfied cause none are the freaking chocolate you really and only want. then you have this homeless child watching you eat all these things from a corner. salivates. he thinks you have the life and envies you for having so much food. you go home with a stomach ache and throw up. you ate too much. feel miserable. the child dreams that night of all the foods he saw you eat and wishes. you get up, go to a new restaurant, eat some more wonderful, random foods hoping for chocolate. nothing else left to do. the child spots you again. thinks you the luckiest person in the world. you leave just as your stomach starts to feel queasy again. maybe tomorrow, you sigh. definitely not satisfied. moral being, not so much that you go out and try all these foods. but that you don't give up just because you haven't found what you're looking for. of course, how to explain that to the child?
from the little that i've read of Kerouac, even other beats... most people seem facinated; almost obsessed with wanting to follow their lead. i mean, yes, by all means enjoy life. but ultimately...anything in large doses isn't good for the body either. that's what i see happened to them. and they did stuff, not because, oh my god let's go out and have an adventure. maybe at first. but not every time. they were searching. and searching. became desperate. jaded. had no choice but to keep on. it seems they wrote their stuff to tell people "it happened. we did it. i had my fun but it honestly wasn't all that. try another route. this is my life, i did my best. don't let it happen to you. find your own route. at least learn something."
experiences. memories. yes, amazing. sweet to look back upon. but what good is a full resume if it can't get you the job you want? Kerouac seems to have wanted love. he had love. let it go. time after time. died wishing for it. bypassed. didn't want to be trapped but got caught up that much worse...so frustrating.
i know i'm of a different mind set.
ahhh...again, maybe i just need to read more. all i know is that i find myself on a different plane than most. i wanna understand. i'll give it a try. give him the benefit of the doubt.