Litkicks Message Board Archive

Some comments...

Posted to Haiku Board

So here are my comments. Take 'em or leave 'em. Just riffing off of what I know/feel about haiku, as well as what I know/feel as an editor.

>In the egret's gaze-
>the pier sign illuminates
>a succulent shrimp.

This is one sentance, and therefor, probably isn't working as a haiku. The two things throwing me off are the first line, and the adjective "succulent". I'd like to know HOW it's succulent, not just that it is. As for the first line,

>Restaurant lobsters
>taste sea air with their feelers
>and dream of freedom.

Assuming too much. How do you know they dream of freedom? Also, this 'ku has only one image. Try and find a solid, disparate image that means the third line (the idea of freedom is cool) and let the two images juxtapose each other.

>Rusting by the path.
>In the old cement mixer
>gardenia blooms.

Again, only one image (the gardenia blooms in a rusty mixer). What is the contrasting image? A kigo, perhaps?

>The rash on my crotch-
>as red as yoke-wood blossom.
>Damn cheap nylon pants.

Despite some blatant examples, simile and metaphor usually aren't in haiku. However, if you took L 1&3 and made them one image, and then somehow got yoke-wood blossom in as the second image, it might work.

>Plucked from the sea bed
>the typhoon tossed mine sways, dead
>on a couch of spume

I assume mine here is like a landmine? Anyway, again, there's only one image. Nail the image of this "a-ha!" moment down, and find a second one to support it.

>Frangipani sweet,
>the breeze caresses Tai Ping
>and perfumes the night.

A bit redundent. L1 & 3 seem to say the same thing. Try and find a second image to juxtapose against the scented wind.

>Hearing the busker,
>the fleas on the blind dog sing.
>They know all the words.

Reminds me a bit of Issa. I don't know if this would fly as haiku at all, but I like it as a poem.

>The noble Banyan
>gracefully stretches her roots
>beneath passing feet.

One image (a great one, though) that simply needs a second one to play off it.

>Football pitch flood lights
>reflect on the fat cockroach,
>that falls in my drink

Trying to do too much with this one. Possibly two or three haiku with in this one scene.

>After the cloud burst-
>an ambitious mosquito
>waits in the bathroom

"cloud burst"? Rain? Firecracker? What sort of cloud?
A bit more specific in line one, plus avoid the temporal element (haiku are one moment, so saying something like "after" tends to be a no-no.), and you'll be solid.

>The crested bulbuls
>complete vociferously
>for the pizza crust

The word choice might be a bit much for haiku--think "simplicity". Again, only one image. Find a second image to riff off that.

>On the cable road
>in a discarded rucksack-
>rat snake sheds his skin

Hmmm...this one might work, despite it being only one sentace.

>Spotting a rival
>at his territory's border:
>the gekko cackles

Cause and effect tend to not work as haiku. The explination for this is that haiku are a single moment, and a cause/effect thing takes more than a moment.

>His hunt successful,
>the kitten presents us with
>a flailing cockroach

The first line doesn't add anything. Find a totally different image to juxtapose with the L2&3.

For more help/guidelines/suggestions/what have you, please check out post 4491 on this board. That might give you a jumping off point.