Litkicks Message Board Archive

PC and all that jazz...(edited)

Posted to Haiku Board

I don't usually do haiku critiques, as I think good haiku is obvious and so is bad...Hah! All of us have written both...

Actually, I am of the opinion that the use of articles, 'the', 'a' etc are okay, simple words that bring attention to the subject or object.

"The rusty mine sways" Good, I get the picture.

"dead on a couch of spume" Use of the word 'dead' is unnecessary...'rusty' already said that, essentially. "on a couch of spume" heh, too clever for me...but maybe that's the way you talk.

If you will rewrite of your haiku with apologies...

rusty mine sways
in the spray of a wave
no storm clouds now

or...last line:
storm clouds pass