Litkicks Message Board Archive

PC and all that jazz...(edited)

Posted to Haiku Board




I don't usually do haiku critiques, as I think good haiku is obvious and so is bad...Hah! All of us have written both...

Actually, I am of the opinion that the use of articles, 'the', 'a' etc are okay, simple words that bring attention to the subject or object.

"The rusty mine sways" Good, I get the picture.

"dead on a couch of spume" Use of the word 'dead' is unnecessary...'rusty' already said that, essentially. "on a couch of spume" heh, too clever for me...but maybe that's the way you talk.



If you will permit...my rewrite of your haiku with apologies...


rusty mine sways
in the spray of a wave
no storm clouds now

or...last line:
storm clouds pass


SooZen