Litkicks Message Board Archive

Too much...

Posted to Haiku Board

Along the lines of what zen said, there's just too much going on in this 'ku. Remember, 'ku are a moment, nothing more. So, possibly combine the first two together (focus on taste, perhaps?) and then lay the second image (sun behind clouds) on us. However, as it stands, there are three images, which is one too many.

After that, focus on minimalism, or economy of language, and you'll be set.