Up the ante...
>I’m looking from the top
Out of curiosity...where are you standing?
>Onto the world’s largest parking lot
>Onto the people
>I’m looking at them
Don't need these two lines...
>Driving their death machines
>Sucking their way to the grave with puffs of cancer
>Talking and not saying anything
>Staring into blacktop oblivion
Solid imagery, now intensify it. Make it as far out as possible, go crazy with these images. Be as bizarre, cynical, absurd as you can. Really blow their minds...
>I smell their pain
>I feel their hate
>I hear their indifference
>I see their walls
>I taste their dissatisfaction
Don't just tell us this, let us into these sensations--"They feel like a cigarette extinguished on a baby's arm." or something way out there like that. Avoid the abstractions, and go straight for the image.