Litkicks Message Board Archive

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Posted to Poetry




>Make an image of love as a mobius strip: Infinite >incomprehensible impossible

Pick one adjective--lists like this tend to weaken the poem.

>to wrap your mind around
>Bound to astound because the ends cannot be found

the "ound" internal rhymes aren't working here. They're too obvious.

>You see really it never began but neither will there ever >be an end
>It only looks that way in your puny mortal human finite >mind
>And mine

Too much telling. Give an image for these abstractions ("never began", "never be an end") and avoid the cliches ("puny mortal human form"--I mean, the Animaniacs use this image, so it's fairly common.)

>Leave me alone I'm sure one day I'll be fine

Who are you talking to? The reader?

Also, this sounds too whiney. Show this anger/hurt/etc. with solid images, not a temper tantrum.

>But until then I'll be sitting here on the shore of my own >private Walden Pond

Which is what? Where?

>as I watch and I wait and engage in a pathetic and futile


Again, sentances like this--self-depricating, lonely, etc. sound merely whiney. Use an IMAGE, and then they'll hit home. Show the reader what you're feeling, let them into the experience.

>attempt to wrap my puny mortal human finite mind around >the infinite incomprehensible

I like the idea of repetition here, just not the words you're repeating. Clean up the images above, and then repeat them here.

>Presently it occurs to me that you and me and all we see >are little more than ants marching on a mobius strip out >of an Escher lithograph

It's a good image--a little too easy (you're relying on Escher too much. Why drop the name?) but good.

>And if by now you've lost yourself amid my incoherent >babbling, let me try to make it right
>You see I'm speeding up to write this down before I lose >my muse

Again, show all this. Don't just tell the reader.

>And one of my muses is you

One of?

>But right now we find ourselves upon some separate >segments of that sideways 3-d figure eight we use to >represent the endlessness of time and space and love
>I think there's hope that one day we might meet again in >the center of the mobius strip where paths have a tendency >to cross

Again, it's a good image (the love=mobius strip) idea, but then you just tell about it, and don't explore it AS AN IMAGE. Get deep into the idea of a mobius strip, or ants on a mobius strip, and let the reader discover you're talking about love by the way you show that image.