Litkicks Message Board Archive

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Posted to Poetry




>i can handle no more
>metaphors for tears;
>no more rain springing
>from the eyes of some
>pained innocent;
>no more takeovers of
>a calm undisturbed night

pick one adjective here.

>by some all comsuming panic;

Eh...try and find something stronger for this abstraction.

>no more visions of delicate petals
>being ripped from the comfort
>of their home in beauty;

this line needs an image.

>no more oceans that smuther;
>i can only handle the small ache
>i still feel in these scars and cuts

Too much. I would cut this line.

>that i run my fingers over
>in the cold of this kitchen.

My only other advice is, instead of semicolons, just use the line break.