Litkicks Message Board Archive


Posted to Poetry

>We're all tainted with the stain of hypocrisy from birth,

What does this stain look like? How are we tainted from birth? More imagery needed in this line?

>So why fight it?
>Is inner peace making yourself better,

What is "inner peace", exactly?

>Realizing life is all harmony?

What is this, exactly? A bit too abstract.

>Or is it more
>realizing how tragically,
>beautifully flawed we
>all are and loving life
>for its paradoxical nature of being,

Try and put the adverbs into the verb. (tragic how? beautiful how?) What does "loving" mean, exactly? What's paradoxical about the nature of being?


>Good and bad
>light and Dark
>good and evil
>Me and You

Too abstract here. Give an image for each one of these, something the mind can latch on to.

>and the weird kid sitting all alone in the corner with the >lazy eye

Good. Solid image. More like this(these?) lines.

>at their true miraculous value

pick one adj. or the other.

>until they all run
>together, blurring lines
>and bending rules
>until all the sum
>of eternity
>adds up
>to just

Fair enough...might want to strengthen some of the verbs in the ending, but it's strong enough. The build up, though, needs work.