Litkicks Message Board Archive

friday

ehren's asleep, he took the week off to be with me, there's are turkey breast in the oven, and i'm left alone for the moment, to remember...

i decided to call mom, i hadn't talked to her in a few weeks, i didn't know if she was better, i didn't know if she was alright, she couldn’t remember things last time we talked, last time i took her to the doctor, she always makes me drive, she hates it, even though today, that’s changed, it changed in a few minutes…

she wanted to go to Los Cucos to eat, she wanted to share some fajitas, i didn’t, i humored her, i hardly see her anymore anyway, i got dressed, i was in my pajamas cuz i wanted to take a nap til five, til monica called me, til i had to start to get ready for a club, a club i didn’t want to go to, but, it’s her birthday celebration, she got to pick the place, i tell mom everything that’s been goin on, my grades in college are really good, made some new friends, told her about jessica walkin home everyday, how i am gonna give her a ride on m,w and f, we talk like old friends, and i realize i missed her comin over unexpectedly durin the day, just to take me to lunch, sometimes i pay, i feel bad takin her money most of the time, even though she'll never miss it as i miss mine, it doesn't matter to me anyway, i love her so damn much, i told her i'd eat dirt if it meant she would be alright...and it's true, i told her my dreams, of all the blood and dyin i see now, how i can't sleep on nights like tonight even...

we talk for awhile, i even told her about wantin a nap, so she tells me she was ask me to drive her to wal-mart, cuz she needed some things, but that she'll go alone cuz i wanna sleep, i told her she's crazy, i'll sleep til almost five thirty, when ehren gets over and when i'll start to get ready to go out, i tell her lets go, she shoves twenty dollars in my face and tells me so i'm not so broke, which i never really am anymore, i've learned to manage my money, no more shoppin sprees at banana or a and f, but still, i'm alright, i won't starve and i can still afford a nice night out, or three nice nights out, i'm slowly learnin, she's concerned cuz i paid the rest of my tuition last week, five hundred and twenty eight dollars, the lady told me she would cry to let go of so much money at onces, i smiled and told her it didn't really bother me, it didn't, money is nothing really, only the seed of greed and envy, i don't really care about it, but then again, i've never been totally without any money, there was always mom to fall back on, or olga, or some other way around it...

we walk the store, it's new, on the outskirts of our small town, right off the interstate, we still talk, and she talks to all the people she sees that know her, she tells me in a matter of fact kinda way "you know mom knows lots of these people, specially from the clinic" she used to work at the clinic, those days are over though, now she takes care of the elderly, then, we talk about her age, she thinks her time is comin, she thinks she won't be around too much longer, i tell her that she will, that she's already a great grandma, that if people knew her real age they'd be shocked, and that people her age are usually in wheel chairs by now, she's doin good, we walk and i browse new releases, nothing, not even a new game to play, i feel so bored, i feel like a stranger is in me, and something isn't right...

we talk alot, we talk about the little things, i tell her about sola, she's always goin in heat, i think cuz she's so small still and she is maturing, but not there yet, she tells me she's not a vet, we talk about how cold it is lately, for our town in texas at least, almost in the low thirties, i'm wearin a long black peacoat, one i bought in frisco to stay warm, with my banana hoody i cut up, thumb holes to keep my hands warm when i smoked, i feel sheltered in this, it's like a barrier around me, keepin me safe, and warm, she's wearin crazy old lady gear, she loves to mismatch now, cuz she says she is beyond fashion now, and no one will really question her, she dresses nice when she goes out though, really nice....

i'm the chauffeur, again, we're on the main drag, the one that lead out of town, still talkin, we're close to our mcdonald's, and i see the car stopped there, he's on the inside lane, we're on the outside, he even has a blinker to turn to his left, so i keep goin, i see it happen though...

i see his car swerve towards us, i know we're gonna be hit, should i stop, should i speed up, should i...and i step on the gas, let him hit the back of the car if i can, not us hit him head on, time slows so much, and i am viscous in the air, he hits us on my side, he plows into us, ice scoopin us...i see the front of his car, less than a foot away from me, seperated by the metal door, i don't hear the smearin of the metal, i don't hear anything, i'm movin out of my body it feels like, swimmin in the moment, i guess they're seconds, mom's hand moves to my arm, i look at her, she's scared, i look at his car, and my heart isn't beatin, and we make it by him, somehow, i don't know, i pull over, she's alright, my mom is alright, and i feel the anger erupt inside me, i don't see anything, i don't see the blood, i don't see the glass, i don't see anything, all i see is the door handle, i pull on it, and the door won't open, it's stuck, i jump out of my seat, i jump to the back, mom, stay right here, don't move, and then i'm out of the car, i'm runnin to his car, my black coat swirls around me, i can feel that in the wind, but i can't hear anything, am i deaf? who cares, i still even have my planner in hand, i never go anywhere without it, and now, uncousciously i have it, i feel red inside, the tint of all the hate i can have for anyone, right now, for this driver of this jade honda acura, i know it's a dumb fuckin kid, who else would turn the other way without lookin, i try to make sure they aren't tryin to hit and run either, when i get to the his car, the words fall out of my mouth like fists, what the fuck were you doin, you stupid fuckin bitch....and i see him get out, he's old, his hair is white, his hands are shakin, he's scared, and i'm drained, you could've killed my mom, you know that sir, you know that? he looks at me, and there are people starin from every direction now, 'son, you're bleedin', i don't understand him, look, mister, lets just exchange information before the police get here, walk with me to my mother's car, walk with me now, and bring you license and insurance, i start to walk back, i notice this guy's van, 'you all right?' yeah, i'm fine...

he looks like the chaplain, priest that is, off my old ship, almost in everyway, 'sorry, you're not alright, your bleedin' huh, i touch my face, and i see the blood now, i see the red that is all over my hand, and i don't panic, i walk to the car, i don't look at mom, i don't want her to worry, i ask him, the man that stopped, later findin out his name is richard, like amy's ex, richard, i ask richard how bad does it look, and his face says it all, i feel my the left side of my face, and i feel glass under my fingers, not alot, only a little bit, this guy busted the window in my face, and i want to cry, i want to scream cuz it's my fuckin face, but i can't, i won't, at least, not in front of mom, i walk over to her, mom, are you alright? she is, she saw my face, now, everyone wants me to sit down, calm down, i feel like i'm not 24, about to turn 25, i feel 6, scared unsure six, i sit in the back seat, the man comes over, he brings his apologies on his face, as he stares into the red of mine, i make sure it's not all over me, it is, i take off my coat to spare it, at least my hoody that is, the coat is black, it won't really matter, besides, dry cleanin will take care of it, i ask mom to take it for me if they send me to the hospital, like she won't want to stay with me, i get the man's information, while i try to calm my mother down, she's teary eyed with her hand to the cut up side of my face, i tell her 'it's alright ma, i got scars all over my face already anyway...' and i do, she gets her shirt, she cuts some of it with scissors from her purse, old habit of hers, she tells me 'put pressure on it mijo, so it won't bleed so much, i know it hurts, let me pick out the glass' these words are like poison to me, makin me nauseas, glass and pick out and my face don't mix...they don't fuckin mix, and now, thanks to mr. herbert mccown, they are mixed, all mixed up with blood and anger....

it happened so fast, we sit there waitin while the cop pulls up, he looks at all of us, richard there as a witness, herbert tryin to apologize while i try to hold my tongue, mom pickin the little pieces of glass from my face, she tells me "be glad he didn't blind you", i let her know i am glad, i let her know i am more thankful that we're both alive, and for the most part, unhurt, at least, i think so, i tell her "mom, thank God we're alive, i would've killed that man if he hurt you", he looks at me, i look at him, and he knows i would've tried, with all my heart i would have tried...

the police talk to us, while the ambulance comes, i guess i am goin, mom's not, she needs to take care of things, richard gives her his cell phone number, he opts to follow me, he feels bad for me i guess, who wouldn't feel bad for the one that had their face put through the glass blender, i lay there, goin in and out of everything, i don't feel it, but then again, someone who used to run razors over their inner upper arms wouldn't really be bothered by slits in their skin...they ask questions that don't matter to me, i tell them 'look, just clean it and get me out of here, please, i need to be with my mom' everyone tries to tell me to calm down, don't get overly excited anymore, but how would they feel layin down with a cut up face after a wreck? how would they fuckin feel? one guy tells me it isn't really that bad, only a few cuts that bled alot, i shouldn't scar really, one near my hairline, one close to my ear, two on my cheek, the others aren't even really anything, just small cuts like a paper cut, i say fine, i know i am gettin stitched by a doc though, for the hairline one and for one cheek, i want to cry all over again, i sit up, and they tell me to lay down, even though 'i don't want to lay the fuck down' i want to go home, i want ehren and mom, i want olga and to be out of this fuckin dream, this nightmare, i can see his car, hittin the door, like a knock, a bit fuckin knock knock joke all over again, they tell me over and over it does no good to get excited and to try to fight, we're there already, time has warped out of shape, my back hurts too...

my nap is gone, it's past five, i've been scanned and probed, i've been pricked and stitched, i've been questioned and pissed off, when i'm wheeled out of their little laboratoy i see ehren, he was cryin, mom's there and so is half my family, they thought i was dyin or something, i learn later that our family is really really close, christina saw us get hit, april was with her, from there, they call amy, amy calls my house, even though i was in the car, it's my mom's car though, amy calls olga, at work, olga gets off, she calls ruben, christy called her dad, jr., him and lupe call ruben, kenny was called by mom, now it's spread to all the branches of our immediate tree, i wanna when i see them all, their eyes are red, they were worried for me, about....me, and ehren is with them, part of them now, i try to smile, only it hurts a little, even though they numbed my face, to clean it better and to disinfect it, like i'm a damn kitchen counter top, i saw the cuts, they were really nothing, i can't believe they bled so much, they told me my back is just sore and a little swollen from the impact, from me gettin my small frame tossled like hair, i didn't feel anything i tell them, i only saw my mom's face at the time, it's all that mattered, she's unscathed, only a little glass in her unmentionables, i feel lucky, i wanna go home, and i do...

everyone is over, i try to accomodate everyone, i put chips in a bowl, i serve soda, while ehren sits there, talkin, mom too, they are all there, kenny and rhonda are gettin a tour from olga, they've never seen my place, jr. notices the new pictures, old ones, our family portrait, aged and brought to life now, amy's here too, we all talk and laugh, i tell them how it happened, i tell them how i went straight for the other car like a crazy, not even realizin i was bleedin, mom's still watery at the eyes, she starts to bawl, we're all quiet, she's the one that gets after us, she's the one that we lean on, well, not me, i'm different, she leans on me, she gets lectured by me, they all come to me to get after her for being "bad," i am the one that tells her to watch her sugar intake, to slow down on things, i watch after her, they all know it, so i'm the one that stands beside her, my arm on hers, i look into her eyes, i tell her 'don't cry mom, it's alright, we're safe now', and i smile, hurt and all, while they mumble support like ticker tape, individually nothing more the paper in the wind, messy...

she calms down, and they start to leave, one by one they go home, kenny's drivin mom, olga doesn't leave, she stands there, printed onto the wall, her shoulders slumped, her face contorted in that ugly cry face everyone can make, and now, now she cries, i hug her, although, i don't hug alot, not unless it's mom or ehren, i don't feel comfortable with it, i need practice i guess, practice i lack, our words are brief, she needs to let out her fears, her contained seldom said worries, and i listen, tryin to avoid the hair on my face, 'olga, look at me, i've always been blessed, just thank God i'm still here, alright?' she nods and reaches for the door, no doubt she'll cry some more at home, like mom, like amy, like ehren...

when the door is shut, i want to scream, i want to cry, i want to pull my hair out of my head and sob on the floor, but i look at ehren, his eyes are an ocean, with his grief written in sharpie on him, i hug him, tight, so he can feel me close, my face stickin him, it hurts, i don't care, neither does he, 'i thought i lost you, i thought it was so much worse...' i hold him with my own fear surfacin, i let him know i just need a shower, there's still dried blood on my neck, on skin, i need to get lost in the hot water of it all...

he runs my water, with a weak smile, still pickin up as he goes, cups, paper towels, he's older lookin, i don't like it, i don't like that sadness put on him, it's awkward and unfamiliar in him,, i kiss him softly, tryin not to move my mouth to much, then i go to shower...

the water's hot, i tilt my face, while it runs over my head and back, washin me away in the drain, and know the tears are there, i don't feel them, i know they're there though, my tears this time, and i hear the phone ringin, i don't care, it's my turn, my turn to cry for the luck i had, for the confusion of happy and angry and sad and scared that are all inside my throbbin head, starin at the water run off me into the tub bottom, it's all white, not yellow, not yellow for me, not anymore, i want to fall into the drain now, let the water sweep me up in it's freefall, maybe i'll get crushed on the floor, maybe i'll swim into the ocean, or be filtered, maybe...

when i get out, my eyes are red, and i stare at the pale face that looks at me in the mirror, the small stitches that are holdin some of it together, they won't scar bad, not really, it doesn't matter, i'm here, dear God, i'm still here, slippin into clothes, slippin into comfort and late night...

'crystal called and so did monica, they wanted to know if you were alright or not, i told them you were goin to bed, that way you can be alone for awhile' he did what, it's alright, he knows i didn't want to see anymore cryin faces anyway, anymore questions or interrigations, but the phone starts to ring again, i walk over to it, thinkin nothing, pick it up, 'hello,' but i don't recognize the voice, i can't place where i heard it, ' can i speak with mr. espinoza please,' the voice asked me, i let it know 'this is he, who is this?' 'mr. espinoza, this is herbert mccown, the man that hit you...' and my mind rolls, i fight back the hate that leaves it's taste in my throat, i try to hold my hand steady, while ehren watches me, concern on his face, he can read me by my own surprise..."mr. espinoza i want to apologize for what happened...i wasn't really payin attention...i wanted to make sure you were alright, you know, you're alright?' funny, i want to scream at him, tell him he fucked my face up, he fucked my back up some more and he fucked up my day but i tell him 'yessir, i'm fine, it was an accident and...' and he cuts me off 'no, it was my fault, you seem like such a nice young man, i could've taken that away from you, from your family' is he cryin, please don't tell me he's gettin misty on me, of all people to have to hear cry 'i messed real bad, i want you to know if you need anything, groceries, a bill paid, anything, you let me know, i have money...' he makes his offers that mean nothing, he can't give me back my ignorance of how scary a car crash can be, he can't give me back my nap that i lost, he can't give me anything really, 'look, sir, i don't need anything but rest really, i'll jump back quick, i'm young...' again, he cuts me off, in mid sentence even, 'i just feel real bad bout what i did to you, to your family, i don't want you to think it was intentional (i hope the fuck not) it was me bein an ass...' now it's my turn, i don't want to hear him ramble tryin to make it better for him, 'we all screw up sometimes mr. mccown, it's life, i understand and i forgive you, i'm just really tired right now and i was about to go to sleep...' he does it, yet, again 'look, i just wanted to let you know i'm in the phone book, call me if you need anything at all, anything as simple as a cookie, please...' i think about what i really need, nothing, what i really want, lots, but i won't do that, i can't, it's not in me to do that, maybe at one time in my life it was, but not today, 'sir, i just need rest, i appreciate your offering but i don't need anything at all, if i think of something i'll call, believe me, so you have a good night, and don't think about me, i'm doin fine' i'm not though, and he says his goodbye, his last sorries and his last attempts to ameliorate his own pain, before i hang up...i put the damn phone on no-ring, i don't want to be bothered...

ehren walked up to me in midconversation, his hands on my arms, rubbin them in an soothin way, his breath on my neck, his mouth on the back of my head, i feel no better, i wonder what he's thinkin, if he can read the anger and disgust on my skin, or the relief and and exhaution on my body, i doubt it, he's probably thinkin of me bloodied on the road, in a mosaic of metal and glass, at least i think it from time to time now...

i pot a pill, and hit the couch, his obssession next to the bedroom, i start to...fall...asleep...and...i...don't...feel...anything...at...all... not really, i see the car, the jade of it, breakin through the door, hittin my left leg first, severin it, not clean, but jagged, as the blood runs out of me, then it presses my right leg, leavin its shape there, mushin it, and i watch mom watch this happen, her face, all over again, a real life horror movie, something from like the texas chain saw massacre, and we're sessile, while automotive parts and road circle us, my life is leavin me, and i'm...dyin, while she holds my arm, cryin and screamin, like when dad died, and all i can do is watch, while blood squirts out my mouth, still filled with glass, i feel the hard pieces of sugar candy in there, cuttin away, and i try to talk, to tell her 'i'm alright ma, don't cry, please don't...' and it's gone...i'm gone...then again, i see the car, that jade honda pushin into us, shatterin the windows, all of them, while they sparkle like a universe against out vision, only, i'm the passenger this time, mom is the driver, she looks at me, smilin, while i watch her get smashed, her frame is grabbed by the interior of the car, it closes in on her, pushin into her milky white skin, so soft and tender, so...beautiful, unlike my olive tanned skin, her red hair mixed with the blood, she smiles at me, and tries to make me feel better, while i hold her, we're unmoving, and it's only us, in the metal box of the crushed car, i'm fine, she's not, she's dyin in my arms, and all i can do it scream no, not my mom, not now, please dear God, not her, not her, take me, take me instead, and the tears fall like salt into her, witherin away the spots, while ants crawl over her, and spiders find her body too, still in my arms, she's smilin, layin there, lifeless...

i wake up, my head in ehren's lap, he's eatin chips, noticin i'm awake, 'you were movin alot babe,' he lets me know, i don't see the clock, i don't know the time, 'have you been awake the whole time, how long did i sleep?' he answers me, it's now two in the mornin, it's valentine's day, and i know our plans are cancelled, i know we'll be here, he won't take me out, not while i really don't want to go, we stare into one another's eyes, and i love him, more than i've ever really loved before, more than brian, more than ship, more than willie, more than anyone i've ever been with, in that moment, he is paramount...

i get up, stretchin, the ache still in my lower back, still lettin me know i'm hurt, my face is poundin on my skull, hittin me over and over again, so i pop something to take it away, hopefully for awhile, i can't move my mouth to well, it hurts, i feel the stitches more now, like railroad beams across my face, weight there that wasn't before, the alien of it, and i think how it would feel if it did actually cut all the way through, my tongue feelin from the inside, nothing really, only the pink tissue it's used to...

i smile, best i can at least, tryin to be coy, while i grab his greasey dorito cover hand, leadin him to the bedroom, i close sola out, 'can we still have sex?' he askes, so i push him on the bed, lettin my fingers unbutton his shirt, i slide it off, arms up, off with the shirt underneath it too, i push him down, so he can lay back, 'you really wanna do this?' he asks again, i take his socks off, cuz he already left his shoes in the other room, one by one, while i tickle his toes, i know how ticklish he is, like me, then, i jump in the bed, and wrap myself in the comforter, leavin him there..

'hey, mister, you forgot something,' he says while he looks up on one elbow, grabbin my legs with the other hand, the greasey one, i sit up, 'what', i play dumb, 'the pants, they're still on, shouldn't you so something about it?' i look into those eyes that hold the soil of the earth, 'you want me to undo your pants, after all i've been through, i'm supposed to undress you, i've done the whole wreck thing, i've done the everyone cryin thing, even the muther fucker who hit me, i was even nice, i did the whole hospital thing too, which hated, and now, now i say all this with a mouth that feel covered in barb wire, are you happy, or do you need sex too?' he looks hurt, he looks like i slapped him, i feel bad, i was only playin, he doesn't know that, 'babe, i'm so sorry, i just thought...' then i smile at him, or best i can, and he catches on, he jumps on me, tryin to wrestle me for it, i laugh, and it hurts 'stop, ehren, stop, that hurts...watch the face... watch the back... sir (he likes that) you're askin for it... ehren, serious, stop...' he does, 'then continue' and he motions to his pants, he lays there, smilin, the grief is gone, the worry that wasn't him, it's gone, so i find the button on his pants, it's undone, i use my legs to push them all the way off, besides, he likes to sleep in underwear when sola is locked out of the room, even nude sometimes, like tonight...i look in his face, while my mouth slowly kisses him, a sprinkle of kisses, it's the best i can do, even though i want to devour him at the moment, i want to taste his tongue and his tonsils, i want to taste the pink of his mouth, but i can't, i pause, he opens his eyes, and he looks at me, our mouths like fish, connected, my hands movin up his side, til i find the spot i wanted, then...then i grip it and i tickle the flesh there, he kicks, he squirms, he laughs, he grabs me and now, he's ontop of me, while we stare into one another, i can feel the playfulness of our foreplay, the weight it is liftin from me, while he takes it's place, he's on me, his full weight, i feel him against me, rigid and warm, slowly, my clothes are comin off, he's naked, and now, so am i....


when i'm asleep, wrapped in his limbs, him in mine, i dream, i dream of jade, i dream of faces, my life like a thread, each part a different shade of me, i walk it, lookin at the phantoms of my yesterday, i want to reach out and touch the ones i lost, the ones i never got to try with, i can see the memories like a movie, their faces, quintan, jessica, colleen, my guys and two girls, colleen, heidi, all the people i miss, all the things i fucked up, i fallin, fallin away from them, the background a deep jade, while glass splinters around me, slittin my flesh, and the thick red pours from them, into that mouth, like in hawaii, and i see the past i don't want, the specters i want to forget, the ones i don't miss, rosie, nick, mike, davis, allen, and so many more, names i would rather vomit out than say, ones that make my stomach turn out of something primal, something mean and ugly, they dance in the glass, worn and old, like their lives, i watch then, and i run, i run on the metallic surface, while my feet clink against it, i see her face, mother, she's cryin, she's alone, it's my grave, i know it is, and i grab her, i try to make her hear me, to let her know i'm still here, and it's gone, i see the car pushin into the side of her car, the side i'm on, the driver's side, pushin us, and i feel her arm on mine, turnin to see that face, the pain of it, slicin me open, the blood from my face, fallin heavy in my lap, i feel thrown inside the confinement of the car, against the steerin wheel, against the windshield that is still there, while glass has piled on us, i taste the way it would taste, empty and nothing, my tongue aches, i feel it close around me, the radio is on, it's sayin three oh four in the afternoon, and i'm deaf, i can see the words of the song that's playin, she's an american idol, and she's tellin me the trouble with love is...but now, now it's gone, and there's ehren, i see him lookin at me, the blood flops out his mouth in bursts, i hold him as he collapses, i feel like la pieta, he looks into my eyes, and his are fillin with blood, and i can't scream, i can't tell him no, i can't say the words i need to say, i can't...

i'm in my bed, and he's holdin me, it's dark, i touch his face, it's dry, he's fine, and i know, i was only dreamin, 'you were kickin like crazy in you sleep, is everything alright?' yeah, i just had a bad dream, and the tears roll out, marchin to the sheets where they'll dry up and die, leavin salty hints of my night, i hold him, and then, i...am...back...fallin...fallin..into..sleep...that...isn't...dreams...only...rest...

he's snorin, a weekend gone, monday almost, i need to get back to the oven, the turkey's almost ready, almost finished, my back aches slightly, my face hurts more, the smallness of the stitches lettin me know they're still there, i drove today, i went to class while ehren cleaned and slept late, he wanted to drive me, i didn't want him to, i've had all weekend to be a baby, now, now i can only move on, let the fear of cars pass me by, when we went with mom to kenny's on sunday, she drove, she wouldn't let me, so now, now i know, she feels bad, i can see it in the tears that start to form when she looks at my face, i had a thorough inspection from the while family, they saw my arm too, the small cuts, my neck, along with a hicky that made ehren blush, they laughed, he's one of us, and the jokes followed, everything, is goin back, back to the way it was, everything...except...except me...