The Candidate Speaks To the Issues
"My platform is solid plywood, which means it has many layers."
I have decided to run my campaign independently of the issues and to rely purely on my hairdo. After all, in today's political climate hairdos are much more important to political success than anything a candidate could possibly ever do or say.
In fact hairdos are more vital to our national interests than executive decrees or signing bills into law or any of the other mundane duties of a President. Image is the job of a President, and hairdos are the meat and potatoes of Image.
Eisenhower was a great example of this. If he ever had any hair, it was clipped in the regulation military and responsible way. You could barely see Ike's hair; it was the picture of subtle authority.
Kennedy's hair was vibrant and robust. It looked just like it was standing on end as if he had just had a big shot of meth. It shouted 'vigahh.' All the women wanted to run thier fingers through it and all the men wanted to be the women running thier fingers through it.
Nixon's hair always looked greasy like a used car salesman. You wondered of he used shoe polish on it. And the hairline was crooked.
What can I say about Reagan's hair except that if you believe that it wasn't dyed then I have a book of stale afterdinner speeches to sell you.
The Bush family is blessed with Imperial looking executive hair. George I had it--the patrician look. George II has it too but even in a more rugged, Marlboro Man way. They both have the kind of hair that looks like they could play eighteen holes in a duststorm without a lock being out of place. Robot hair that is being controlled by some distant and anonymous financial nerve center with dozens of gnomes that look like Dick Cheney.
Clinton's hair is silver as his tongue, like a stately Ozark gorilla.
My hair is more believable, like Willie Nelson's. You know I haven't cut it in decades and that lends an aura of stability. Samson comes to mind. I intend to have my hair spiked for important meetings of State. I might even put some green or purple in it. I think America is ready for an edgy president.
Since my only real competition in this race is Dave Barry, I have sent a team of sabateurs to try and get to his hairdresser.