i'm just thinking again.. will u make it stop?
Funny how things are learned and sought with all the intentions of growth, but most of the time we're only searching to be right or searching to find something right to follow. I"m unsure which category i fit in and i don't necessarily care. But it's just weird -life. and how things happen and how you're just looking to be entertained for the most part. With music, love, drugs, people it's all simple we want to be entertained. we look for the jester to take over and make us laugh. sometimes cry cuz feeling-feeling is a good thing too. reminds us that we're alive. and then that's when I start thinking why should we be reminded of our mortality cuz that's what life is.. mortality.
So you want to die?
How would u like to die? would u like to die a sweet death, the kind that only car accidents can make possible or stray bullets that catch you while you're playing hopscotch? or would u like the kind of brutal death where u have to say goodbye to all the people you feel like seeing on your last days.
well I"m unsure and I try not to think about death. and to tell you the truth(cuz i try not to lie) i have a feeling I'm gonna be around for a while and just draw this life right out of me to the very last minute when my breath just can no longer breathe and I'm just an empty sack of skin.
I wonder what I will look like. If I'll still be smoking pot if I'll run around naked with my sagging tits and dry pussy laughing at the fact that I just don't care. Nothings ever that simple, why is that?
I for sure know that growing old isn't going to be that simple cuz even as much as I'd like to deny my caring- I do. I care about the stupidest shit really. LIke missed opportunities. and people I never got to meet.. or touch. just shit like "hey if I never told that person I think they're super dope they'll die not knowing I think so " ---- um.. like they care? Like it matters.
Like ANYTHING really matters.
and that's when I stop and think (again should i put the beer down now or wait until i'm down typing this "thought"? um silly question).
Lots of things matter. Why else would we make such commitments as marriage. OR even just a commited relationship. That person MATTERS to you for what ever reason. Maybe cuz they just know how to say hello. Or they show interest in the new latest poem you wrote. Or maybe it's the way they hold your hand., or touch your face. And you think. Will this person ALWAYS matter to me? Is this a moment in my life that sticks or just another chapter I'm skimming thru.
We'll never know those answers and I think about the time and energy people put into trying to figure that out. How many couches people have sat on crying about how sad they are. Hey I'm not dissing, I complain thru aim most of the time about how sad I am. "oh how cruel life can be "
when it's all the same shit . we're alllll going thru the same muther fucking shit everyday.
We just like to focus on the negative. But damn It's so pretty out lately. it's so god damn pretty that I day dream about lamping out under trees, letting the breeze lick my toes, while I read paperbacks and discover how much I love the way grass feels under my body.. how the imprints of sweet grass stems are actually art work.. hurry take a snapshot of this memorable moment of simplicity.