Litkicks Message Board Archive

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Posted to Haiku Board




Interesting. Possibly more senryu than haiku, but no matter.

My only critique is that L1 & L3 seem a bit long.

"no begging bowls
for the Buddha"

or

"no rice
for the Buddha"

would both work, though I like "begging bowls" better. Or maybe just eliminate one of the "nos"

"no rice, begging bowls
for the Buddha"

Still, it seems like you're trying to pack too much into this 'ru.