Litkicks Message Board Archive

Wilco Chilled Blues

Posted to Action Poetry

I’ve seen the loneliest times and haven’t even realized it you see god
Remember when I followed Jake and dad to one of his basketball scrimmage practices?
At that random high school? I went in there for a second, for ten minutes maybe
Just an array of seconds-
I tried talking to random dads and there were even a couple guys my age there
But I was bored and so I had brought lennon’s walls and bridges
And I went outside and sat on a step and listened to it
Stretching my legs down the four or five steps looking at the way they twisted
I was lonely then,
An alright kid day-to-day happy but overall unsatisfied as all turned-on kids are
I don’t know I’ve had it great actually but still-

Always a little tinge of sadness here and there like
Oh god that camp airy night- this summer it really sucked
Play and a dance at camp louise- random Wednesday night or something
doomed from the start- I wasn’t in the mood to socialize with any girls
Delayed the inevitable draw to the bathroom to comb my hair and put on deodorant
Not that any of it mattered
I just didn’t want to have to smile when I wasn’t feeling happy
And dances rarely make me feel happy because I’ve never had anyone like her god
I remember flash frames of that night in the dance field-
random remix of crappy ja rule song my eyes flashing past kids, misfits
sitting awkwardly on benches to the side and me somehow wound up in the middle
following some random crowd around, joey and aaron and I not sure what to do
disgusted- felt like a damn teenager I ran to the bathroom
and stayed in there for twenty minutes- sad and this wasn’t even that long ago
Just walked around- looked out the window, listened to strains of conversation outside the door
Just girls casually talking and I didn’t even wish I could find anyone I liked I just
wanted to go back to camp where at least I wouldn’t have anyone to impress
I felt so torn- felt like such a failure there sitting bored pants up on closed toilet seat
legs up on the wall twiddling my thumbs staring at the wall
yes! Trying to memorize the patterns on the wall because I knew the night was important
yes! I wanted to memorialize the night to tell someone oh god thats it! I wanted to tell someone
later, someone that would understand the despair and cynicism I felt-
I felt like a loser sometimes that night but I also felt just sickened by everything and
I was true to myself in that bathroom with yellow walls, white floors, I was trying to
memorize every crevice because I knew that night was important, it was a turning point-
I made a pact to myself to never do it again, to find a girlfriend dammit someone I liked
someone that liked me someone who’d also rather run and hide in a bathroom
than face a little awkwardness, than face the possibility of an empty one-hour stand, or maybe
another one-hour stand 3 days later maybe a giggly letter I’d get two days later after lunch
but nothing that meant anything! I knew that night was special and I made a pact to find someone like me- I went back to that bathroom two more times that night- so
God, all I want at the end of my life is to understand myself and the world around me