>the repetition is for sound, trying to get a mournful, >plaintive sound in there.
I figured it was something like that. It might be me--the word "willow" doesn't give me a mournful, plaintive sound...the long "o" sound is a bit too loud for that, IMO. So, that could just be me.
>It also echoes Shakespeare's willow song "The fresh >streams ran by her and murmurmed her moans, sing willow, >willow, willow: her salt tears fell from her and softened >the stones, sing willow, willow, willow."
Then maybe put in three and really drive the allusion home?
>Sorry, but I am a former lit. prof. Anyway, literary >allusion aside (though some may recognize it) I thought it >still had this effect. We could launch into one of our >discussions about this one since I've broken rules, like >having allusions, using sound effects, and metaphor and >personification.
Once again, these are merely "guidelines" and should be avoided if it works.
A few suggestions. Make "willow willow willow" the FIRST line, and then change "she" to a specific somebody (so we know you're not talking about the tree itself.) That might make the images stronger.
>if I have, is it still a haiku? would it be better without >the effects?
I think it might better sans repetition, but again, that's my ear. "willow willow" was more annoying as a sound for me, instead of plaintive.