Litkicks Message Board Archive

...

Posted to Haiku Board




>heat wave in the air

Too much. I think "in the air" could be assumed/implied by simply saying "heat waves".

>ocean still cool blue

"cool blue" is definately a cliche, in 'ku as well as poetry.

>rolled up jeans

I think you could reverse these last two lines with a little editing and make a solid 'ku.

heat waves
rolled up jeans
wet with the ocean

or something like that...

I'm sure you can figure it out better for yourself how you would say it. Anyway, it's an idea...