Litkicks Message Board Archive

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Posted to Haiku Board




I think my big thing is that I'm not an ocean person, I'm a lake person, so I'm not sure what you're describing here. What I'm feeling, though, is that "those" should be emphasized somehow...italics or something...to resonate with the dread of the third line.

Of course, I could be reading this wrong. I just get a sort of impending doom or something. All in all, I think it's succesful in that it captures if not a "moment", per se, a real sense of potent feeling, which is equally applicable in haiku, and something Western haiku should explore more of.