Litkicks Message Board Archive
>Wetness sparkles in shining dew upon my skin where your mouth has lain upon me.
Kiss/saliva=dew (especially shining) is a bit cliche. What else does this look like? Taste like? Smell like?
>Loves kisses falling on my face anoint my heart as they drip like rain upon me.
What is "love"? What image can be used to replace this abstraction? Kisses fall like rain is, again, a bit cliche.
>If a story of our love were told there would be a golden light around your soul.
Eh...love again, though this time it's the story. Still, this line, though traditionally "ghazalic" is a bit off. I'm not sure about "story of our love" or "golden light around your soul". I just think something stronger could be found. Example:
If the ballad of our love were sung, you would be haloed in aurous sheen.
I'm off by a beat, but the idea is still there. Something with the "aur" in it to represent both golden and aura, perhaps?
>Brilliant as it flashes through the night, burning away the tortured pain upon me.
"brilliant flashes" is cliche, "burning away away my tortured pain" is a double cliche whammy.
>Brace above me in the haze of your passion with your face nestled against my throat.
"haze of your passion" seems a bit Harlequin. What does this look like, feel like, taste like, etc.? What images can you provide to tempt our emotions?
>Your hair flows through my fingers, over my touch, against my breast, a mane upon me.
I'd still like to feel this, or feel how you feel, but "mane upon me" is possibly the best rhyme of this piece.
>There are hot moments that we could lose ourselves within as our hips slap together.
"hot moments" and "lose ourselves within" are a bit Harlequin as well. Also, how is this stanza disparate from the last one? How can it stand alone? etc.
>In our lustful sex, as we mate, you push the burden of being sane upon me.
HOW? "push the burden of being sane" is a bit intriguing, but you don't pursue it further? That's a shame.
>I don't want to realize the world is nearby when you're loving me so damned well.
"loving" is a bit much here, something else, perhaps? Still, this is possibly you're strongest stanza.
>Sing songs of love and let them surge up, bursting in bubbles like Champagne upon me.
Best line of the poem, IMO. "sing songs of love" echoes the form, which the bubbles/champagne part adds to the eroticism of this piece.
Anyway, read my essay here:
It might help with keeping your rhymes, and therefor lines, fresh.
That being said, check out Agha Shahid Ali's anthology "Ravishing Disunities" and his book of ghazals "Call Me Ishmael Tonight" to see how the master does it. Keep on this path, though! We need more strong ghazal writers!