p.s.
Posted to Poetry
by zen_ on 2004-06-28 09:58:00
I like this. I think you're starting to be more patient with the writing. I see that you're taking more effort before posting work, and that is certainly to your credit.
the line
When a friend (Oh no, a lover.) is lost
is decent, and it's excellent that you echoed it at the bottom.
It think that it's in this case that you might remember the thought "a line = a breath". It can be reduced
On the one hand I like the feeling of surprise in the exclamitory "Oh no"; but on the other hand, the overall tenor doesn't denote a shocking surprise, i.e. car accident. So in this case, it sounds more folksy, as an affictation, rather that structural (echoeing the shock of trauma.) But I will say that this is more nit-picky on my part.
Overall, this is good work.
