Litkicks Message Board Archive


Posted to Poetry

>Mainly writers of rhetoric gaze among days of absence in >the rain –

First off, are these line breaks, or simply the formatting. Because, if not, it's going to be read as flash fiction, and not a poem, and the editing, therefor the critiquing, would be completely different.

>Plain-sight tells us just as much as hind-sight, if you >bother to look, and time will tell you what to. Memory >fails us sometimes and our eyes can’t see when they’re >blind to our cold noses. Watch out for cold feet under the >blankets! Mind the clues, and pay your dues, and venture >out into the world with a wide open mind. Don’t look too >far forward, but don’t look behind, only in reference, >look at what you’re doing right now.

I'm sensing a lot of slam influences, as well as some rap/hip-hop stuff in here. Parts of this sounds like a parody of Public Enemy's "He Got Game". That being said, pay attention to the images. A lot of things are being said here, but they're not sticking because they're not grounded in the tangible.

>Move beyond into the realm of the life-light, and make it >yours. Write 1,000 pages and then WRITE SOME MORE!

There...that's an image I can latch on to. Need more of this, and then a more solid critique can be made.

>Pay no attention to LOS DIABLOS DE LA VIDA, they will try >to pull you away.

Again, something I can hold onto, though I'd like more detail. This line could easily be a whole new paragraph.

>Do what you do well, and follow your dreams.

What does this add to the poem? Could it be said a different way? etc.

>Don’t ever lose sight of who you are, and if something is >important to you DO NOT COMPROMISE! Wake up each day with >a new plan, but if you falter you’ll have no one to blame… >Take that responsibility, and go where your heart tells >you to go.
>When you fall, get up and dust yourself off and keep >walking towards your destiny. It WILL make a difference, >so I’ve learned from my experience on this Earth…

Again, lots of great ideas, but nothing to make them stick. Imagery imagery imagery. Drive the poem into our skulls.