Litkicks Message Board Archive


Posted to Poetry

>Some of the crushed bulbs
>at the front of the house
>still flashed a little at the filament.

Is this possible? I like the image, but it may teeter into the speculative a bit too heavily.

>The tapwater ran outside
>into grass, hair and lice molasses

"lice molasses"?

>underneath the spare bricks.
>I was sat outside the entrance

Watch the grammar of this line. Also, "to be" and "sat" are weak words, imagewise. What else can you do outside the entrance? "crouch" "perch" "curl" etc.

>with my head held in my knees,
>waiting for the nurse
>to move in my things.

>There's space still available here.

I want this line to have the word "vacancie" in it. Something like a rental advertisement, or something.

>As I followed him inside, I swore
>I could smell my mother;

What's the smell, exactly. Good line, just go deeper, into our senses.

>somebody had painted all the walls
>yellow, so they would look wider.
>The carpet was free of any rogue hairs
>that might've fallen from me;

take out "from me", you cover that in the next two lines more vividly.

>they hired somebody a week before
>to shave my head and body.
>I lit up my last cigarette,
>ventured upstairs, found my dorm
>just next to the bathroom and reminded
>myself of the rules:

I would repeat the "there is space available here" line, or what ever it mutates to, right after this stanza again. Make it a solid refrain.

>I heard the pipes click
>and turn over water,
>the constant rhythms of bones

rhythm takes out the double plural, and doesn't hurt the poem any.

>that sit between chlorinate walls.
>And I watched the nurse
>as he prepared our supper;
>he came into my room every day
>with the food, pulling the trolley behind him.
>While swallowing yellow root
>and spiderflower, being fed by hand,
>I noticed that his fingers had a strangeness,
>a fluid and regular movement.

Tighten this image up. This is the last thing the reader will remember, so really nail us with these lines.

>There's space still available here.