Litkicks Message Board Archive


Posted to Poetry

>When that sun in the sky
>winks its big, yellow eye

Is this the image you want to begin with? Trully? Because, IMO, it is heavily cliche, to the point that "The Hobbit" calls it an "ancient riddle".

>& sees thru my lies

Not sure the rhyme is working here. What lies does the sun see through? How do we know this?

>will I still mean to be
>the man I mean to be?

>Torrid & burning, the duet rises into aural plains & >speaks of love & losses gained,

Be more specific here.

>all that remains of life hangs in the balance.

What happened to your line breaks?

>Sameness will change - All that was new becomes >commonplace & will then erase moments of subtlety - Just a >big game rearranging, plain old sanity, sometimes I think >I'd die for it.

A lot of abstraction here--"moments of subtlety", "new becomes commonplace", "big game rearranging", etc. What images can you give us that drives this home?

The everyday turns to excellence in the blink of an eye.
Not the last word yet...