oh I didn't want it at all.
it was a process of unfolding and emerging awareness.
our cultivated frame of mind was completely organized and trained by our dominant cultural upbringing.
For me it caused a break and a traumatic period, many years. I was fortunate that my role in Vietnam was as a cargo pilot. I went unarmed throughout the days. I picked up my 38 pistol, scooped the bullets into my pocket and forgot about it.
You have to understand that at the time, I was young, following a life goal yet realising an emerging conflift.....and I became very sensitized as a matter of fact, and hit the street the following year. Send me your email and I will post you a photo of myself in the street with an angry cordon of anti-war veterans.
Many vets became sensitised to violence, the exact opposite of what we were desensitized for, but, alas, I know also that many just stay in the same frame of reference and justify/rationalise it all.
In the middle pathway, there is a sense of rationality. Unfortunately we are not there yet. Hopefully making progress. (Have heard nothing back as yet about your request)
my email is on my profile page.