full

by smhppp

Posted to Stories on 2002-05-17 10:39:00

Parent message is 186958
is my first impression on this. i liked it, i’m intrigued. you say this is your first foray into prose…you definitely have a gift for description, and the dialogue is crisp and clear.

i think i think i think that what i think is that it feels burdened by the adjectives. i know that’s an old traditional thing to say, but, and this is just me, i think it’s sometimes more effective to base descriptions around actions or effects of things…often it works well, like “suffocating sweetness” is exquisite, but “pudgy white-knuckled fingers spread wide and gripping both of his large, bent knees” i think gets weighed down by the adjectives.

i think in general that’s the thing…i’d like to hear more, definitely…if i were to offer up a suggestion as a comrade in arms who’s trying to impart my own viewpoints of literature (ok so now we’re sitting in a smoky bar, it’s 3 a.m., and we’ve just finished debating the true import of proust in regards to the modern novel), i think that prose can work so beautifully when it carries forth an emotion contained within the style (in addition, if not in place, of the meaning of the words). that being said, i see a potential opportunity to even maintain the descriptive tone of the first part of this (and still i guess well i guess still make it read like i like?—i’m imposing, i’m sorry…your ( ) at the bottom led me to believe this is a work in progress but jeez pleez yell if i’m outta line—remember we’re drunk here)…let me explain:

this seems to be a meeting of some obsessive individuals, i think that it’d be cool if the beginning, before she yells at them and snaps them out of it, the descriptive tone of the first part would represent the perspective of these obsessors, and then it’d be cool if the tone then changed to a more concise read as the reader becomes aware that the perspective of these men is a little obsessive.

now hey i’m not saying that your writing is obsessive, i’m just saying that it’d be cool if there was that juxtaposition. in terms of the style of the piece, i think that there are so many wonderfully placed expressions that just get lost because of the adjectives. adverbs are fine, but adjectives just, to me, mean a delay in getting to the noun.

and btw i appreciated your thoughts on my chapter—i responded in that thread.