WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!??

by Gothic-Hippie-Chic

Posted to Utterances on 2002-06-13 21:25:00

this is the second installment of GothicHippieChic’s Saga of insecurities- Volume 91:

The other day i go out dressed in tight hip huggers and a white shirt. I must remind you that i Never wear white. but the day was so beautiful and fresh that i would have felt yucky being dark and depressed. plus my mom thinks i look good in white. ( i forgot that mom is tired of seeing me in black and loves me in colors)

Now i go out and before i leave, my boyfriend comes over to give me a hug (i love that boy, he is so sweet) and tells me i look good. i let it sink in and was not So self concious about wearing white.

BUT!
as soon as we hit the shopping center, people begin to eye me. i see women looking at me in disgust. i see girl’s eyes roll. i see women who are twice my size look at me like am a beast. i have said this before but i am serious-people stare at me and look at me with disgust. no one believes me until they see it. my mom didnt believe it until one day she saw that this woman was giving me a dirty look and she said she coudlnt believe what i had to go through. my brother saw it and told me they were stupid. my boyfriend has yet to see it and he thinks i am just paranoid and self concious.
but its not just me, i know people think i am repulsive. i dont know why everyone always stares at me like that. lately, the only two looks i get my way are ones of dislike and of perversion. neither one is very flattering.
to a person like myself who has absolutely no self esteem and dislikes herself to the point of insanity, this is horrible.why are people so mean to me? all my life, people have made fun of my hair and my clothes and my weight and the way i talk…i have taken all my childhood pains, insecurities and social fears with me into adulthood and it is weighing on me heavily.
i wish i could ignore them but when it is 70 percent of the people, how can i ignore it? it makes me question what i am. why do people look at me like that? it is as if they hate me, the look at me like i am a deformed creature from another land. how can i believe my boyfriend and my parents when they tell me i am beautiful when a) i am not b)everyone tells me i am not in their magazines and in their fashion trends and in their looks when i walk down the street
it got so bad that i just broke down and began to cry in Modell’s as my brother tried on some sneakers. it all seemed to explode and i felt like the most worthless piece of junk to exist. i just wanted to go home and die in a corner where no one would look at me. my parents and brother tried to console me but nothing helped.
when i got home, i wanted to hide under the covers and never come out. instead, i called my boyfriend and he came over and i started crying to him about everything i felt. being with him eased my pain but i still felt torn up and after eating a bunch of cookies and a yogurt, i was even more depressed for being a pig. i don’t know anymore. sometimes i dont want to go out just because i fear some one is going to make fun of me or look at me weird.
maybe im just a freak.